


Boundaries

by Phoenix_Soar



Category: Shinhwa
Genre: Abuse Of Feels, Andy is the sweetest BAMF, Angst and Humor, Junjin has issues, M/M, No one better than Shinhwa as comic relief
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-03
Updated: 2015-05-03
Packaged: 2018-03-28 20:58:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 28,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3869575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phoenix_Soar/pseuds/Phoenix_Soar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He wonders when the line between what is forbidden and what is not became so blurred that he can no longer tell the difference. The difference between loving this man in front of him as his brother ... or something much much more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Crazy Experiment

**Author's Note:**

> Started out as my excuse to contribute to the under-appreciated rare pairing of JinDy, but then the whole thing blew out of proportion. My ultimate Shinhwa baby.
> 
> Started in 2013, originally posted at LJ and AFF, and sporadically updated because of an interfering thing called Life.

_This is crazy._  
  
It is not a new word to him. Junjin knows crazy all too well. Half of his life has been spent in Shinhwa and God knows that with Shinhwa, anything and everything is a derivative of crazy. Crazy members, crazy schedules, crazy ideas, crazy behaviour that somehow has never faded with time...  
  
The life of a celebrity is all sorts of crazy but, with Shinhwa, it is a  _good_  kind of crazy. The kind of crazy that makes you question your life choices only to realise, again and again, that even if given a complete do-over, you would have still chosen the same path no matter what.  
  
But  _this_  – what he is thinking – feeling – right now is not that kind of good crazy. This thing right now is absurd, ridiculous ... sick ...  _wrong._  
  
He should not be feeling this way.   
  
He should not be feeling like his heart is about to break through his ribs, his knees going weak, and his insides tying themselves into multiple knots while his mouth feels like it has  _shrivelled up_ , so dry has it become...  
  
He should not be feeling  _any_  of this when his eyes meet the piercing gaze of the man in front of him.  
  
But then the man in front of him smiles, all warm and sincere, and the knots in his guts transform into a million frantic butterflies and Junjin gives up on his sanity and accepts the fact that he must have lost his mind.   
  
Because he must be out of his mind to have fallen for his member, his friend, his  _brother._  
  
Fallen for Lee Sunho.  
  
For Andy.  
  


~***~  
  


If one were to ask Junjin exactly when he had lost his mind, he would not be able to answer. He himself has yet to figure that out.  
  
Giving up on that, Junjin then begins to wonder about the  _how_  and  _why_. How can such a thing have happened? Why after all this time, all these years of knowing each other...? He tries to remember the first time they met, back when he had still been lanky pretty boy Choongjae and Andy had been shy and cute Sunho. He tries to recall if these strange feelings had been there then too, but no...   
  
 _No_ , he repeats to himself. His heart had not run a marathon to another universe – like it does now – the first time he saw Andy, nor for the next few years of knowing him. He has never considered such a thing, never thought of any of the members that way...  
  
Who or what is to blame for what has changed in him? The copious amount of skinship, possibly? It makes him uncomfortable to contemplate it. He has never minded being physically affectionate with the members. It has never been something forced or fake, but genuine shows of affection between them. Of course fans like to think more of it, he knows; the fans are who first introduced the idea of him being romantically linked to another man, after all. The thought had been strange at first, especially when the whole Eric and Hyesung water-and-oil couple thing had hit the roof. But since then, Junjin had accepted the concept. Fans enjoy service and so he had come to enjoy providing it.  
  
At one point, he had even stopped thinking of it as fanservice. It was and still is not much different to how they usually interact even while away from the public eye. And Junjin is someone who interacts with everyone. Doing skinship with Andy is no more different than doing skinship with any of the other members.  
  
...right?  
  
(But doing skinship with other members does not exactly send his heart rate skyrocketing. There is obviously something very wrong here.)   
  
And that is how Junjin ends up spending his nights awake in bed, with his mind full of these questions he cannot find answers to, and Andy. Always Andy.   
  
He wonders when it all began, when all the little affectionate touches they share started to mean something different to him. When every smile, hug and random kiss they shared began plucking a different tune from his heartstrings; one he is not quite ready for.  
  
He wonders when the line between what is forbidden and what is not became so blurred that he can no longer tell the difference. The difference between loving this man in front of him as his brother ... or something much  _much_  more.  
  


~***~  
  


He starts experimenting.  
  
Over a period of several weeks, Junjin has managed to convince himself that he may be just overreacting because he is ...  _confused_. After all, he has never been involved with a man before. Maybe all the strange  _feelings_  he has started to get around Andy are just normal consequences of doing weird things, like unhealthily excessive amounts of skinship with other men.   
  
(In a corner of his mind, Junjin knows this is pretty darn contradictive to, well, everything. After all, it has already been established that doing skinship with other members actually  _doesn’t_  affect him the same way Andy does. But Junjin is scared and desperate, and when those two mix together, it’s pretty amazing the things you can delude yourself into believing.)  
  
And so, one fine morning when he arrives at Shinhwa’s dance practice room for a rehearsal to find that only Hyesung had arrived so far, he marches right up behind the singer, belts out a sing-song greeting and wraps his arms around him. Before the older man can react, Junjin reaches around, pretending to plant a kiss on his cheek but deliberately moving his head so that his lips end up on Hyesung’s neck instead.  
  
At once Hyesung’s palm come whipping up to playfully bop him atop the head, pushing him away. ‘Aish, this kid! It’s too early for these games.’  
  
‘Such a spoilsport, as always, hyung,’ Junjin mock-complains, but his mind is focussed not on Hyesung’s look of exasperation, but his own self.   
  
Hmm, funny... his heart is beating pretty normally, it seems. And his stomach does not feel like a butterfly haven either. But kissing another man’s neck ... surely that should have given him more of a reaction? What he has just done is not exactly a normal level of skinship, even for Shinhwa.  
  
He experiments again when the next member arrives. Dongwan has barely managed to put down his bag when he finds himself with an armful of Park Choongjae who enthusiastically kisses him on both cheeks. Dongwan leans back a little with a ‘Whoa!’ and looks up at his dongsaeng with a mixture of surprise and amusement.  
  
‘Good morning to you, too, Choongjae. Your affection is overwhelming, today,’ he remarks with a grin.   
  
Junjin shrugs cutely while Hyesung scoffs from the other side of the room. ‘He was like that with me, too.’  
  
‘Was there something in the soju you drank last night?’ Dongwan teases.  
  
‘What’s this? Everyone gets kisses and not me?’ The amused mock-whiny voice announces Minwoo’s arrival, along with the rest of their dance team, and Junjin goes over willingly. Minwoo bursts out laughing when Junjin nuzzles his ear with his lips and their dance team glance amusedly at the funny scene before continuing on, already used to Shinhwa’s public displays of affection.  
  
‘You’re right, someone definitely spiked his soju last night,’ Minwoo says laughingly as he rubs his ear, pushing Junjin away with one hand.   
  
Dongwan and Hyesung say something in reply, but Junjin is no longer listening. He frowns to himself, unsatisfied with how normal he is still feeling despite already having molested three of his hyungs. Where is the pounding heart, the knots in his gut, anything to suggest that it is normal to feel weird after doing skinship with men?   
  
But then he hears footsteps behind him and a familiar voice greets the room at large and Junjin finds himself freezing to the spot, unable to move. It is downright ridiculous, he tells himself, but that does not stop his mouth from going dry or his heart from doing a somersault.  
  
 _You’ve got to be kidding me._  
  
‘What’s going on?’ He hears Andy’s voice behind him and then suddenly, the man is right beside him, looking from Junjin to Minwoo and back again. Junjin glances at him and thinks that it is so unfair how someone can look so good first thing in the morning, especially when all he has on are baggy sportswear and messy bed hair.   
  
So unfair.  
  
He is shaken from his thoughts by Dongwan, who cackles from the other side of the room, ‘Junjin’s turned serial kisser on all of us this morning. You’re next, Andy.’  
  
Andy crocks an eyebrow at Junjin. ‘Really?’ He waits a few seconds and when Junjin remains frozen, asks, ‘What, I don’t get a kiss then?’ His eyes sparkle in amusement and he begins to turn away. ‘Not that I mind if I’m not on your list, though. A day without anyone molesting me is a heavenly day, as far as I’m concerned.’  
  
This is invitation enough for Minwoo, standing close by, to make a beeline straight for Andy, the mischievous fire in his eyes positively screaming his intentions. The sight snaps something inside Junjin.  
  
Next thing he knows, he is turning, lunging to grab Andy by the arm before Minwoo can get to him. He does not know what possesses him to do what he does next, but it is too late.  
  
‘Hold up there, Lee Sunho, you didn’t think I’d let you off so easy, did you,’ he hears himself say. And then he is pulling Andy around and towards him, tilting his head to kiss his cheek.  
  
What he does not expect is for Andy’s momentum to spin his body further, so that when his lips finally find their target, it is not Andy’s cheek he is kissing.   
  
Time stops and Junjin stares, wide eyed at Andy’s own open eyes, which are blurred from the sheer proximity as the two of them remain frozen, Junjin’s fingers still gripping the other’s arm as he just stands there, kissing Andy’s parted lips.  
  
The next thing he registers is the shock of electricity that starts from his lips and sizzles through his entire body, setting his heard pounding.  
  
 _...shit._


	2. Unwanted Results

_Move ... move...!_  
  
The little voice in his head becomes more agitated and urgent, on the verge of screaming, but Junjin cannot move. It feels like he has lost the ability to physically function. All he can do is stand there, hypersensitive of Andy’s warm mouth and his even warmer breath mingling with his own and he still cannot move.   
  
But ... Andy has not moved away either. He is rooted to the spot, his eyes wide and staring into Junjin’s own.  
  
Junjin’s next action is done on impulse, a sudden whim that comes out of nowhere; without thinking, he parts his lips, letting his tongue slip through ever so slightly that he may just  _graze_  Andy’s –  
  
A loud bark of ‘YAH!’ is what breaks them apart, Andy snapping his neck back so that Junjin is left with his head still tilted, blinking.   
  
They look around to see that the last member has finally arrived. Eric Mun gives the both of them an irritated look as he tiredly walks into the room, his exhausted eyes perfectly revealing that he has not had much to sleep.  
  
‘Dude, that is not the kind of scene I want to walk in on first thing in the morning when I have a hangover,’ he grumbles, giving Junjin a light flick on the head as he walks past them. He ignores Hyesung’s wry comment of ‘Typical.’  
  
‘Uh ... y-yeah, sorry,’ Junjin almost stammers, still shaken from what had just transpired. Then what he had been about to do right before Eric’s interruption abruptly hits home and his blood runs cold.   
  
 _Oh God, no_. He swallows, suddenly afraid to look at Andy, because -  _oh my God_  - because just now he had almost – shit, what must Andy be thinking of him right now?  
  
His horror increases when Dongwan chooses that moment to exacerbate the awkwardness of the situation by loudly complaining at Eric, ‘Man, you have the worst timing. I wanted to see how far Jinnie was planning to take it.’  
  
What? How ... far?  
  
 _Too far_ , whispers that little voice inside his head.  
  
Junjin wishes that the ground had opened up and swallowed Dongwan whole before he had said those words. There is no way Andy can miss the implications behind that statement. Heck, he may have already noticed what Junjin had almost done to him just now and is already suspicious...  
  
Eric responds to Dongwan with half-hearted interest, ‘What are you talking about?’  
  
‘I dunno, Jinnie’s been running around kissing everyone this morning,’ Dongwan cheerfully explains as he walks over to where the dance team members have begun stretching and warming up.   
  
‘It got worse from one member to the other,’ adds Hyesung with some amusement as he joins Dongwan. ‘I think our Andy got the full brunt of it.’  
  
Junjin tenses. He is aware of Andy still standing beside him, utterly silent and listening.  
  
‘Yep, and if  _you_  hadn’t interrupted them so rudely, they might have even –’  
  
‘It was just all in good fun,’ Junjin says hastily, more loudly than necessary, before Dongwan can finish that sentence. He really does not want Andy to hear whatever perverted comment their hyung has in mind. He is already terrified of being found out and Dongwan with his suggestive remarks is only making it worse. Has Andy noticed how he had –?  
  
‘So, whatcha gonna do to Eric?’ Minwoo’s teasing voice cuts across his agitated thoughts. ‘He was the last to come in.’  
  
Junjin blinks, shaken. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’  
  
‘I’m just sayin’. If you went that far with Andy for being second to last, how extreme are you going to make it for Eric?’ Minwoo throws their leader a shit-eating grin and Eric positively glares at him in return, obviously too tired and hung over for their games.  
  
Junjin chuckles in what he hopes is a nonchalant way. ‘No thanks, hyung. I’m still young. I’m not prepared to die yet.’  
  
This brings about a round of appreciative laughter and Eric’s face softens in amusement. Junjin relaxes a little as the rest of the members start warming up as well, finally dropping the topic. That conversation had almost hit a mine there –  
  
‘Jin-ah...’  
  
He starts a little at the soft voice by his shoulder, suddenly remembering that he is not alone. He has not looked round at Andy even once after the not-quite-that-innocent kiss and he is struck by terror all over again. He has no idea what he will do if Andy starts suspecting him...  
  
‘Jin, you can let go now.’  
  
Junjin blinks at the unexpected words and looks round, only to realise that he is still gripping Andy’s bare forearm possessively. He lets go as if it has burnt him white-hot, his tongue stumbling over the words as he hurriedly apologises for the finger marks he has left.  
  
‘Relax, it’s fine, no big deal.’  
  
Finally, Junjin allows himself to properly meet Andy’s eyes. They are the same as they always have been, piercing and warm, with no hint of any displeasure or suspicion. Andy gives the taller man a small smile as he lightly massages the spot on his arm Junjin had had his death grip on, and that casual smile is all it takes for the butterfly haven in his stomach to abruptly morph into a crazy bat cave.  
  
He suddenly wonders if experimenting had been a Bad Idea. The results are ... not exactly what Junjin expected. Or wanted.  
  
‘I’m sorry,’ he says without thinking.   
  
Andy, who has just been about to walk away towards their dance team, stops to look quizzically at him. ‘What for?’  
  
‘For...’ Junjin awkwardly shifts from one foot to another, lowering his gaze in both shame and – heaven help him – shyness. He inwardly grimaces and tells himself to get a grip and pull himself together. This is not normal behaviour for him; Park Choongjae does not act like this in front of anyone, least of all someone he considers one of his best friends and, truth be told, he really  _really_  does not like the fact that this person whom he has known for so long is suddenly having this effect on him.   
  
And that too without even  _doing_  anything. Just by being Lee freaking Sunho.   
  
‘For...?’ The man in question prompts when Junjin shows no sign of continuing.  
  
‘For ... just now. It – it was an accident, yanno?’ Junjin coughs would-be-dispassionately and stuffs his hands in his pockets. ‘I didn’t mean to – I mean, I was totally going for your cheek, I swear –’  
  
‘Yeah, I get that,’ Andy speaks up, turning to face him fully. ‘But why are you so worked up over this? It’s not like we haven’t kissed before.’  
  
The remark feels almost like a slap in the face, making him want to hide in a closet somewhere out of sheer mortification. That single implication – that Andy has accepted that kiss as something as normal as one of their frequent skinships, whereas it means a whole lot more than that to Junjin – both humiliates and hurts him. He tries to stomp down on the feelings, angry at himself.  
  
Andy is right. He should not be worked up over such a simple thing. If anything, he should be relieved that Andy is thinking of that kiss as something normal between them. If it were otherwise ... He thinks he will die if the other man ever finds out that Junjin’s feelings towards him has begun to run a little deeper, his touches lasting a little longer, and his kisses less innocent...  
  
Bringing his train of thought to a halt, Junjin tries to smile. ‘Yeah, you’re right. I’m just saying sorry ‘cause I know you don’t actually like to be kissed or anything.’  
  
Andy laughs a little, rolling his eyes. ‘And since when has that ever stopped any of you?’  
  
This time, Junjin laughs genuinely. ‘Point,’ he grins; and, because he wants things to go back to normal so badly, he decides to do what he (or any other Shinhwa member, for that matter) would normally do in such a moment, which is to grin evilly and deliberately try to kiss Andy again (on the cheek this time, and hopefully without anymore butterflies to distract him), just for the sake of pissing off the maknae and prove his point at the same time.  
  
However, fifteen years together is a long time for Andy to learn his lesson. He dodges the kiss expertly and pokes Junjin in the side, making him start a little.  
  
‘Nice try,’ Andy chuckles.   
  
Junjin is about to retort when Andy’s grin suddenly evolves into a dangerous full-fledged smirk. In the blink of an eye, he is pressed up against Junjin, gripping his upper arms.  
  
‘Wha –’ begins the taller man, but before he has quite realised what just happened, Andy brings his mouth to Junjin’s ear and  _blows_ , the gesture more sensual than anything Junjin is prepared for. The sensation sends a ticklish shudder through his body and cold shivers – not the good kind – down his spine. Junjin twists away in shock, but Andy does not let go without one last act of revenge: he flicks his tongue out, deliberately grazing the shell of Junjin’s ear and the latter swears something inside him breaks at that moment.   
  
His brain, maybe.  
  
And then Junjin is left staring in disbelief at Andy, who looks far too self satisfied than should be allowed. His eyes gleam with mischief and, folding his arms, he drawls, ‘You guys forget that two can play at this game.’  
  
Junjin tries to force out a laugh, raising his hand to finger his tingling ear.  _Damn it, Andy Lee_.  
  
And damn himself for forgetting that, contrary to popular belief, Andy actually does not take things lying down. He may not be a fan of skinship – and kissing in particular – but, despite the great number of times Andy just complains or just fights it off, he knows perfectly well how to play at this game too. He knows how to give his hyungs more than they are prepared for (or can handle) when he wants to make them back off of him. And it usually works well.  
  
Like now, for instance. Junjin cannot even contemplate touching Andy again.  
  
Andy’s smirk fades a little, his eyes clouding with a touch of concern at the other’s expression. ‘Jin ...?’   
  
At that moment, Minwoo bellows from the other side of the room, his voice laced with irritation, ‘Are you two seriously just gonna stand there and flirt all morning?! We have a ton to practice and you haven’t even stretched a finger, lazy buggers!’  
  
Andy quickly looks over his shoulder with guilty eyes. ‘Sorry, hyung, we’re coming!’ He reaches for Junjin’s arm. ‘C’mon, let’s go.’  
  
He does not mean to do it, he really doesn’t, but Andy’s touch on his arm makes him flinch, his whole body tensing. Andy stares at him, his face no longer holding any humour.  
  
‘Choongjae-ah ... what is it? What’s bothering you?’  
  
Junjin opens and closes his mouth a couple of times, wondering what to say. What is bothering him?  
  
How about the fact that, today, he has discovered that his feelings towards this man in front of him run on a completely different wavelength than what he feels for everyone else? How about the fact that he cannot even look at, let alone touch, Andy Lee without feeling  _things_  that he sure as heck knows he should not feel? How about the fact that he can no longer even pretend to act normally around Andy because what Andy does to him is anything but normal? How about the fact that he is so terrified of Andy ever finding out about this, and yet here he is, inadvertently making Andy more and more suspicious of him?  
  
Or how about the fact that he no longer knows how to act around Andy, how to talk to him, or how to do skinship with him or receive skinship from him – because the boundary between what is allowed and what is not has become so distorted he wonders if it is even there anymore...  
  
(Or maybe Junjin just wants to ignore that boundary and step over it, to find out what will happen if he actually does take things that far, to see if Andy will accept it – him – or not...)  
  
Andy repeats his name again and Junjin quickly shakes his head, trying not to show how unnerved he is by Andy and what he has just done.  
  
‘It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.’ Taking a breath, he shoots a heavy smile at his friend. ‘I was just ... surprised. You ... licked me.’  
  
Andy gives him a look, and this time, it is neither his usual warm gaze nor one filled with mischief. This one is unreadable, heavy and intense, and Junjin feels something like dread prickling at him, as if he is going to regret something huge.  
  
He has never been more right.   
  
Andy holds his gaze for a few more seconds, before saying very clearly, ‘...you licked me first, Jin-ah.’  
  
And then he is walking away towards Minwoo and all Junjin can do is gape after him, mouth open and heart racing, as he realises that Andy  _had_  indeed noticed the less-than-innocent direction Junjin’s earlier kiss had taken.   
  
Andy noticed.  
  
And maybe, he has also realised the change in Junjin’s feelings towards him?   
  
 _Has he possibly?_  
  
If he has ... then what?  
  
Junjin wants to dig a hole in the ground, bury himself alive and never see the light of day again.   
  
He is so screwed.


	3. Confrontation

‘So.’  
  
Junjin looks up flatly at the narrow-eyed man towering over him, but does not bother to get up from where he is sitting huddled against the mirrored wall of their practice room.  
  
‘So?’ he repeats dully.  
  
Hyesung sighs and rolls his eyes. ‘ _So_ , are you going to tell me what’s wrong or do I have to wring it out of you?’ he asks dryly as he slides down against the mirror to sit beside Junjin.  
  
‘How are you going to “wring it out”, hyung? Go all taekwondo on me?’ Junjin retorts, his voice more irritable than he means it to be.  
  
Rather than taking offense, Hyesung’s face contorts into a victorious smirk. ‘So there  _is_  something wrong.’  
  
‘Wha – I never –’ Junjin sputters furiously, but gives up with a scowl when Hyesung shoots him a very pointed look. Sighing, he draws up his knees closer to his chest and rests his elbows on them, leaning his head back against the wall.  
  
Hyesung nudges him gently with his shoulder. ‘Come on, Jinnie. You’ve been acting off for the past few days. And today’s practice was a disaster, frankly speaking.’  
  
‘You don’t have to remind me.’  
  
‘Since when do  _you_  forget the choreography, snap at the members and lash out at Andy?’  
  
‘Are you going to keep rubbing this in my face,  _hyung_ , or –?’  
  
‘I’m just worried about you. Talk to me, Jin.’  
  
Junjin sighs. He cringes inwardly as he thinks back to earlier that afternoon.   
  


~***~  
  


It has been a few days since that little “incident” (for lack of a better term) between him and Andy, and he has been feeling nothing but jittery around the other man since then. Wreaked with nervousness and a kind of mind numbing terror, he has spent the past days torn between avoiding Andy like the plague and wanting to find out once and for all if Andy truly knows of Junjin’s feelings.   
  
It is impossible to tell. Andy and that enigmatic mind of his are as readable as a doctor’s prescription scrawl, as Junjin likes to think of it.  
  
It is not like Andy has been acting particularly different around Junjin since that day, either. He greets him with a smile every morning, does not hesitate to sit next to him during Shinhwa activities and meetings, and even spent the majority of one very drunk evening at the bar sprawled all over Junjin (a very tense and suddenly-sober Junjin) while giggling at a drunken Hyesung getting all touchy feely with Dongwan.   
  
There is barely a hint to suggest that Andy feels uncomfortable around him, the little voice in his head tries to reassure him every so often.  
  
But – he may be just imagining things considering the mental state he is in,  _but_  - Junjin can swear that sometimes, something is just not right in the way Andy looks at him now. Like a shadow that flits across his eyes so fast that no one can see it, Junjin can never quite put his finger on exactly what it is, but it is definitely there, boring into him through Andy’s piercing gaze. He thinks he catches glimpses of it every now and then, like when he tries to step away when Andy is too close to his liking and Andy notices what he is doing; or when his eyes helplessly wander over to Andy and Andy catches him staring; or when Junjin deliberately ignores Andy trying to get his attention and he knows that Andy knows that Junjin is ignoring him...  
  
He does not know what that look in Andy’s eyes is supposed to mean. He does not know a single bloody thing about what Andy thinks of him now – or feels about him – and it drives him crazy, this not knowing.  
  
What screws him over even more is the fear of knowing, of finding out, because if he does, what then? Where should he go from there?  
  
It is nerve-wrecking, being this indecisive, strung up, fretful person that he has become – dreading group schedules because Andy is there, and then feeling relieved but wistful during solo/private time because Andy is not there ... Junjin has become a complete mess of a person, and he himself knows it.  
  
This is what led to the disastrous practice session they had that day. Junjin’s mind had been elsewhere – mostly on the dancing individual behind him – and, to everyone’s surprise, he had made mistakes in literally every single choreography they went though. Even the ones they have bone-driven and perfected for more than a decade.   
  
Two hours and Junjin’s seventeenth missed cue later, Minwoo had turned off the music and turned to him with a frown.   
  
‘Jin,  _focus_ , will you.’  
  
‘I’m trying, hyung, OK,’ Junjin had replied, his voice snappy from frustration.  
  
‘No, you’re not,’ Minwoo retorted, eyes narrowed to slits. ‘T.O.P, Jin? You don’t make six mistakes in  _T. fucking O. P._ after fifteen years of repeating that goddamn choreo, a’right! You’re a main dancer and you’re not concentrating, what’s even the point of rehearsing for a tour then?’  
  
High tempers, stress and dissatisfaction on both sides – there had almost been a row before Eric quickly intervened (‘You, lighten up; we’re all nervous for the tour, OK. And you, go clear your head and get your act together’) and suggested they call it a day. They had stopped, agreed, and made up (sort of).   
  
That is when the rest of the afternoon had gone to hell: Eric had led away Minwoo to sit and calm down when Dongwan and Andy had stepped up to Junjin. Dongwan gave him a one-armed squeeze and asked what was bothering him, but Junjin’s attention was focussed on Andy, who was right in front of him. Looking up with gentle concerned eyes, Andy had wordlessly raised a face towel and lightly pressed it against the side of Junjin’s face, wiping away the perspiration and it was all just so normal and sincere and earnestly affectionate and Junjin  _just_...  
  
Andy is the cause of all that has happened, the reason why Junjin has lost what feels like every last bit of reason and sensibility, and Junjin just ... he just ... he could  _not_  handle having Andy there right then, in his personal space, taunting him with those caring eyes and adding fuel to the fires burning underneath his heated skin.  
  
‘Don’t!’ Junjin’s voice, louder than he realised, had rung through the practice room and everyone had seen how he snapped his head away, placed his hand on Andy’s chest and pushed him back. ‘Don’t touch me!’  
  
Andy had stared, mouth slightly open and his hand still raised up, the towel hanging limply from his fingers.  
  
‘What’s wrong –?’  
  
‘I said  _don’t_. I can take care of myself, a’right,’ Junjin had snapped, stepping away from Andy’s reaching fingers, and a heavy silence fell over the room. No one moved a muscle.  
  
What happened afterwards is all a blur to Junjin. He now only remembers the look in Andy’s eyes – shock and bewilderment, and then finally hurt – and how the younger man had turned his back on him and walked away, while Dongwan and Hyesung hastily raised the call that everyone should just go home and rest before the next practice. Junjin had stood there, unable to move as it had slowly dawned on him what he had just done, and when he desperately sought Andy again, the last thing he had seen was the cold look – laced with hurt, anger and something poisonous – Andy had thrown at him over his shoulder before he stormed out of the room.   
  
The rest of the members and their dance team had slowly followed Andy out. Minwoo had shaken his head at Junjin and sighed, ‘Dude, that was not cool,’ on his way out, and Eric had given his shoulder a brief squeeze (which, in Eric language, meant that he should pull himself together) and a probing look (I’m here if you want to talk about it). Junjin had waited till everyone left before walking over to the mirrored wall and collapsing against it, resigning himself to a lonely afternoon filled with self-hatred and remorse...  
  
...until Hyesung had come barging back in, nagging Mother-Bird-mode “ON” and demanding answers for his behaviour.   
  


~***~  
  


Hyesung nudges him now once more, prompting him to answer. ‘Jin ...? Please? I understand if you’d rather not talk about it, but ...’  
  
Junjin leans his head back against the mirror, sighing heavily. Even if he was willing to talk about it, what the hell is he supposed to say?  _I think I have blatantly non-brotherly feelings and patently unwholesome thoughts about one of our members who is also a guy? And I’m afraid he suspects me?_  Junjin does not think any of his brothers will condemn him or anything, but something like this ... this is not a simple walk in the park.  
  
‘Choongjae-yah –’  
  
‘Hyung,’ Junjin interrupts, suddenly gripped by a thought. ‘How do you feel about Eric hyung?’  
  
Hyesung gapes at him with wide eyes for several seconds, taken aback. ‘Well, that was unexpected,’ he finally mutters. ‘What do you mean?’  
  
‘I mean,’ Junjin waves a hand limply, ‘what do you think about fans putting you with Eric hyung as a couple? How do you actually feel about him, in that context?’  
  
Hyesung still looks surprised. ‘Er, well ... you know I don’t really like it much, the whole couple thing. Fans enjoy it, so we ... but I don’t particularly want to endorse the whole thing. But Eric – that bastard – has way too much fun with it,’ he adds, rolling his eyes. ‘I swear he keeps doing it just to piss me off.’  
  
Junjin nods; he already knows this. ‘But it’s not like you actually hate him or anything.’  
  
Hyesung smiles wryly. ‘No, I don’t. Mun JungHyuk is a creepy idiot from another planet I’d like to keep my distance from’ – Junjin stifles a chortle – ‘but he’s a good guy and we’ve been friends half of our lives and, well ... I do love him like a brother. Don’t ever tell him I said that, though. He’ll never stop rubbing it in my face,’ says Hyesung in a mock-irritated voice, which is invalidated by the look of fond amusement in his eyes.  
  
Junjin smiles before growing serious. ‘I see. But ... hyung, can I ask you a hypothetical question?’ Before Hyesung can answer, he barrels on nervously, ‘If Eric hyung liked you for real, how would you answer him?’  
  
‘I’m sorry, but  _what_.’ Hyesung gives Junjin a look that suggests that the latter has just suddenly sprouted antennae. ‘Jinnie, you’re not serious?’  
  
‘It – it doesn’t have to be Eric hyung. Just ... any of the members. Dongwan hyung, Minwoo hyung ... a guy ... if they suddenly said they liked you...’ Junjin trails off helplessly, cheeks burning with embarrassment and shame.  
  
Hyesung is speechless for several moments. ‘I ... don’t know. I don’t really swing that way. And honestly, I don’t think Eric or any of the others do too, either...’ He pauses, frowning, before the light of comprehension suddenly dawns in his eyes. ‘Wait ... Choongjae-yah ... don’t tell me you –’  
  
Junjin is just about to high tail it out of the room – because he is not quite ready for this turn in their conversation – but immediately freezes when the door of the practice room opens and two people walk inside.  
  
‘Oh, you’re still here?’ Eric blinks at the two huddling figures by the mirrored wall. From behind him, a shorter familiar figure steps out.  
  
Junjin wishes he could fade out of existence on the spot. Of all places and times, just why  _now_?  
  
‘We were just talking,’ replies Hyesung quickly, glancing anxiously at Junjin. ‘How come you’re back?’  
  
‘Andy said he left his watch behind.’  
  
Junjin focuses his gaze on the ground as Andy walks further in to the room. He tries to ignore the heat around his collar as, out of his peripheral vision, he sees Andy’s white sneakers coming closer and closer to him. His breath catches in his throat and he laces his fingers together nervously when Andy arrives right in front of him, but Andy continues onwards, walking right past Junjin till he reaches the corner of the room where he had previously placed his belongings.  
  
‘Oh. Found it.’  
  
‘Told you it’d be there,’ Eric shrugs, before looking contemplatively at the silent duo sitting against the mirrored wall. Hyesung meets his eyes and shakes his head a little, and Eric understands immediately. He nods.   
  
‘Shall we leave then?’ he says to Andy light heartedly and Junjin, still looking at anywhere but him, prays that he will just go away with Eric quickly.   
  
...As if.  
  
Andy pauses, his white sneakers just barely intruding upon Junjin’s line of vision, and there is silence for a moment. The latter can almost hear his heart speeding up, the rush of blood pounding in his ears; he feels heavy, like he is being forced down by some substantial force, and he just  _knows_  that Andy’s eyes are boring into him right now.  
  
‘Actually ... I think I’ll stay a while, hyung. There’s something I need to take care of.’  
  
Eric frowns and Hyesung looks about to protest, but Andy silences them with a look. ‘A bit of privacy, please, hyungs?’  
  
They waver for a moment, but then Eric agrees. Hyesung hesitates, looking worriedly down at his frozen dongsaeng, but then Junjin suddenly stands up, mouth set in a line. He wordlessly makes to follow Hyesung out of the room, but Andy’s quiet steely voice halts him,  
  
‘Not you, Choongjae. Them.’  
  
In that moment, Junjin thinks that he would have given anything for some divinely force to come and rescue him right then. Hyesung stops again, his face anxious, but Eric walks forward to lightly grab him by the wrist and pull him along. The sound of the door snapping shut behind them rings with some sort of finality and Junjin feels like he has been locked in the lion’s den, with one particularly angry lion ready to devour him.   
  
He is suddenly hyper aware of Andy standing behind him, eyes burning a hole through the back of his skull and – this is ridiculous, everything about how he is feeling right now is ridiculous – but he is afraid to turn around and face Andy’s wrath. He is afraid that Andy will rip down all his layers of protection and facades to reveal his true self, his true feelings.  
  
He is afraid to see the look of disgust and repulsion on Andy’s face if that were to ever happen.  
  
‘...Well? Are you going to turn around or should I just talk to your back?’  
  
Junjin exhales. Andy is angry, really angry.   
  
He reluctantly turns around only to be faced with the other man’s fiery eyes barely a foot away. With a sharp intake of breath, Junjin automatically recoils, trying to put more distance between their bodies, and he swears that Andy’s eyes practically spit fire at his action.   
  
‘What the  _fuck_  is your problem?’  
  
Scratch what he thought before. Andy is not angry, he is goddamn livid.   
  
It is not unusual for Andy to curse at his hyungs, but this is the first time he has sworn at Junjin with so much poison. The look in his eyes is the same one he shot at Junjin before leaving the practice room hours ago, but more furious ... more hurt.   
  
‘Andy –’ Junjin begins, with no idea what to say, and inadvertently takes another step away from him, but Andy grabs him by the arm. With a sharp tug, he pulls Junjin back so they are standing nose to nose, Andy glaring up at him from inches away. His hot breath fans over Junjin’s lips and the latter feels his mouth tingling, from a sudden inappropriate memory of how Andy’s lips feel like...  
  
He is jerked back to the present by Andy’s next words, ‘If you have a problem with me, just come right out and say it to my face, Jin.’  
  
‘Damn it, Andy, let go. This has nothing to do with you,’ Junjin snaps, growing defensive. He tries to twist his arm free, but – damn – he keeps forgetting how strong Andy can be, especially now when his strength is driven by ire.  
  
‘Like hell it doesn’t! Do you think I haven’t noticed how you’ve been acting around me for the past several days?’  
  
Junjin stops dead and Andy loosens his grip a little.   
  
‘You avoid me, you won’t look at me, and you barely talk to me, you’re afraid to stand within a fucking ten foot radius of me – do you think I’m  _blind_?’   
  
The tension in the room thickens in the silence that follows and Junjin feels himself shrinking under Andy’s judging gaze. The fingers around his arm tighten, refusing to let go.  
  
Then finally, ‘...please, Sunho ... I can’t do this right now.’  
  
Andy’s expression softens just a hint, but the hurt in his eyes is more prominent now, more intense. ‘No, Jin ... I’m tired of this. The way you’ve been acting these days and ... I tried, you know? I tried to be normal around you, I’ve been trying to talk and approach you, but you just keep ...’ Andy makes a noise that sounds like a cross between a sigh and a growl. ‘This is not going to solve itself if you won’t talk to me.’  
  
‘I ...’ He is not ready for this. This confrontation is happening too soon, too fast. There are so many things he has not come to grasp yet. ‘Not now,’ Junjin finally says, his voice firm and as steely as Andy’s.   
  
‘Not ever, you mean,’ Andy says quietly, his voice accusing. ‘You’re running away again, just like you’ve been avoiding me all this time.’  
  
‘Look I told you it’s not your problem!’  
  
‘And I’m calling you out on your bullshit!’  
  
‘I just don’t want to talk about this. Why can’t you let it go already?!’  
  
‘Because this is affecting not only you, but me and the rest of our team, and it was always our agreement that we’ll talk or fight out our problems and  _this thing right now_  is a fucking huge problem! Or is what happened today not proof enough of that?’  
  
‘Then why don’t you punch me and get it over with!’ Junjin snarls, leaning forward threateningly.  
  
‘Oh, Lord, help me –’ and, in that moment, Andy actually does pull his fist back and for a second, Junjin expects a winding blow to his gut, but it never comes.   
  
They glare at each other, faces bare inches apart and both breathing harshly, and it is in that moment that Junjin realises how close to Andy he has come in their quarrel. The fire in his eyes die and he makes to quickly back away from the other man, but the fist Andy has pulled back comes forward to wrap around his neck, stopping him.   
  
‘There you go again.’ Andy’s voice is soft this time. ‘Trying to run away...’  
  
Junjin cannot answer, but only focuses on his beating heart which he thinks Andy will be able to hear, they are too close.   
  
‘You never tried to push me away, Jin. Perhaps we’re not as close as you are with Hyesung hyung or ... whatever, but you’ve never been this distant.’  
  
Junjin looks away from Andy’s probing eyes, instead focussing on the corner of his downturned mouth. He can feel his stomach transforming into that crazy bat cave again and that is all he needs to pull away from Andy, ripping his arm and neck free.  
  
‘I have things to do,’ he says shortly, turning away.  
  
Andy stares at him, jaw dropped. ‘Are you seriously ... GODDAMN IT, PARK CHOONGJAE!’  
  
‘JUST DROP IT ALREADY!’  
  
‘All I’m asking is for one answer and you freakin’ owe me this after how you’ve been treating me all this tim–!’  
  
Something breaks inside Junjin. A mixture of anger, frustration, shame, self-hatred and the feelings he have for Andy – they all seem to come together, clashing like tidal waves in his heart, and he whips around furiously and grabs Andy by the waist and almost -  _almost_  - kisses him right then and there -  _How is that for an answer, Lee Sunho_  - but he catches himself at the last moment, one hand cupping Andy’s face and his lips just ever-so-slightly brushing against Andy’s mouth and –  
  
There it goes. Shit hits the fan.  
  
Because if Andy has not been suspicious of Junjin’s feelings towards him before, there is no way in Hell he can miss it now.  
  
Andy looks up at him with wide eyes, piercing gaze boring into Junjin’s, and Junjin is at a loss for what to do, still holding Andy against him, his palm burning against Andy’s cheek and his lips still parted in their previous invitation, ghosting against Andy’s mouth...  
  
Then finally,  
  
‘... Jin ... do ... you like me...?’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I need to explain why I write Andy like this. I know not many people portray him that way.
> 
> I've come across Shinhwa members commenting several times that Andy cusses them out a lot, he playfully bullies them (this I've seen myself in videos/gifs etc LOL it's funny), he beats them up and is a lot stronger and tougher than most people think. (He's actually very strong, as demonstrated in the wrestling segment of Invincible Youth S2 Ep 20)
> 
> I know it's very different from Andy's public dandy-shy-guy-cute-guy image, but I've seen these moments/heard the members remarking about this so many times, that I imagine Andy to be a really kindhearted guy with a subtle evil-maknae side - and also the type of person who does not take bullshit from anyone. If provoked enough, I imagine him to be someone that will tackle the problem head on. Andy himself mentioned on a show that if there is trouble between himself and the members, he is usually the first one to bring it up with them.
> 
> I hope that kind of explains Andy's actions in this chapter. ^^


	4. Aftermath

If Junjin were to ever experience the phenomenon of time stopping so vividly in his life, it is probably happening right now. The only problem, though, is that time starts up again – and he is not ready to face what comes next. In fact, he does not think he will ever be ready.  
  
‘... Jin ... do ... you like me...?’  
  
It sounds like a bad line out of some bad romance flick, but it is real and this is real and Andy -  _Andy, oh God, no_  – is more real than anything else in this moment. Were Junjin in his right mind, he would wish to wipe all of it out of existence, because nothing can ever be the same again.   
  
Nothing. Not ever.   
  
He can see this truth reflected in Andy’s wide eyes, the kaleidoscope of conflicting emotions, the irreparably shattered image of Park Choongjae in Lee Sunho’s eyes ... Junjin sees everything in Andy’s eyes in those few moments and he knows he will regret this for the rest of his life.  
  
Andy is the one who breaks the frozen moment. He repeats Junjin’s name, his eyes still full of overwhelming shock and dawning realisation, and he hesitantly reaches up and lightly touches Junjin’s hand, which is still cupping his cheek.   
  
The brush of Andy’s palm against his fingers is what finally drives the senses back into Junjin. Andy’s skin suddenly feels like hellfire to his touch and he can no longer breathe, too aware of the length of Andy’s warm body still pressed flush against his. He pulls his arms off Andy with a suddenness that stuns the other man even, and next thing he knows, he is standing five feet away from him.  
  
Junjin looks down at the floor, breathing raggedly. The events of the past few minutes are burnt into his mind and – even through all the chaos and turmoil – he realises that there is no going back. There is no fixing this. He has ruined everything.  
  
He can almost see the metaphorical bridge between him and Lee Sunho burning, leaving them on opposite banks with a fathomless impassable void between them.  
  
Andy ... he will never see Junjin as his brother again. He will never look at Junjin with those warm eyes again.   
  
They will never be the same.  
  
Andy takes a step forward, his soft tenor voice carrying Junjin’s name once more, but the latter does not look up. He recoils, head lowered, then takes another step back and then another –  
  
‘Choongjae...’  
  
Junjin turns to leave the room.   
  
He leaves before he is forced to see the look of disgust on Andy’s face. The eyes filled with revulsion.   
  
Hatred.  
  
He almost runs out of the door, heart pounding.  
  
Behind him is nothing but silence.  
  


~***~  
  


His phone rings for the twenty seventh time that night. Junjin watches it light up and vibrate on his bedside table with distant eyes. He has been having thoughts of just switching the damn thing off after the ninth call, but that feat requires him to actually get up from the bed, where he has been lying sprawled for the past three hours. He still does not particularly feel like getting out of his sloth-mode.  
  
The phone keeps ringing for half a minute before the screen goes black again. Junjin looks away. He has seen the caller ID picture: Eric. In fact, out of the twenty seven missed calls, six of them were from Eric. The moment Eric, of all people, started to call him, Junjin had realised just how deep in shit he is right now, but that had not motivated him to answer the leader. He has not answered anyone, not even Hyesung who has called eighteen times. (This is one of those times Junjin truly appreciates certain hyungs like Minwoo and Dongwan. They know how to let it go after a couple of calls only.)  
  
His phone rings again and Junjin casts one glance – Hyesung,  _again_  - before looking away once more. He knows why those two keep calling. He had run into them when he fled the practice room that afternoon – apparently, Eric and Hyesung had stuck around outside, anxious, in case something happened between Junjin and Andy. Junjin snorts to himself. Oh, something had happened all right. And now that something may be spelling the end of their friendship.  
  
He cringes at the thought. It is that fear that has been haunting him all evening. He cannot undo what he did, but ... he cannot see how he can fix things either. His loss of control around Andy has resulted in irreparable damage.  
  
And what about Shinhwa? Junjin squeezes his eyes shut, feeling like he is being suffocated. This thought, above anything else, is the most torturous. It has been eating away at him, choking him with remorse and self-reproach. He has not only broken things down between himself and Andy, but this is going to affect Shinhwa too. He wonders how they can be normal – or even pretend to be normal again – when the relationship between the group’s youngest two is on tenterhooks.   
  
(Or maybe, there is just no relationship now. The thought makes his blood run cold.)  
  
He had earlier tried to comfort himself with the thought that he and Andy have always been said to be awkward together anyway. A bit more ice between them will not be much of a change.  
  
Oh, but who is he kidding? Junjin mentally beats himself up. Of course this is not OK. Nothing about this is OK.  
  
He runs a hand over his face, feeling weary and drained.  _What am I going to do?_  
  
The phone rings again. Junjin groans and finally gives up. He is going to rip the batteries out of that thing. He rolls over and snatches it up, about to pop it open, but then stops dead.  
  
 _Andy_.  
  
Junjin’s mouth goes dry. Andy is the only one who has not tried to contact him at all. He has not even hoped that Andy would call him.  
  
He lets it ring, still frozen, until the call ends. He remains as he is until it starts ringing again, and still, Junjin does not answer. He cannot.  
  
He only reacts when, after several seconds, his phone buzzes, announcing a new text. Junjin’s fingers tighten around his phone, afraid to look. Holding his breath without quite realising it, he finally clicks it open and stares wordlessly at the message:  
  
 _Can we talk tomorrow? In private._    
  
He switches his phone off, his mind blank.  
  


~***~  
  


The next day, Junjin is the first one to show up for their tour rehearsals. A rare occurrence, but he had had trouble sleeping and, with nothing better to do in the early morning, Junjin had figured he might as well just go.   
  
He is bent over his bag, rifling through the items in search of his socks when the next member shows up. Minwoo slaps his butt on his way past as a way of morning greeting. ‘Yo. Got your act together finally, then?’  
  
Junjin jumps a little. He curses his jittery feelings before looking round to smile at Minwoo. ‘Morning to you too, hyung. And yeah ... I guess.’  
  
Minwoo crocks an eyebrow as he dumps his backpack and other belongings by the wall. ‘Really? Cleared up whatever was bothering you yesterday?’  
  
Junjin winces guiltily. He realises how much he must have worried not only Eric and Hyesung, but Minwoo and Dongwan too, what with how he acted during practice yesterday. He apologises earnestly and Minwoo waves it away light-heartedly.   
  
‘As long as your health is good and you’re feeling fine, that’s OK. Also ...’ Minwoo gives him a gentle look as he does up his shoelaces. ‘If you want to, you know you can always talk to me, right?’  
  
Junjin nods, smiling, and on impulse just walks over and envelopes the short man in a hug. Minwoo laughs indulgently and playfully hugs him back. They break apart when the practice room door opens and Minwoo immediately perks up.  
  
‘Hyesungie, Andy~! Group hug, anyone?’  
  
‘You wanna die?’  
  
Minwoo bursts out laughing. ‘Aw, Pilkyo hasn’t had his morning coffee yet, eh? I’ll make sure to stay far away from you,’ he teases their lead singer as he lets go of Junjin, not seeming to have noticed how tense his dongsaeng has suddenly become. Junjin stiffly turns back to his bag, trying not to think about the fourth person in the room with them.  
  
‘Shut up,’ grunts Hyesung at Minwoo as he collapses against the wall. ‘I barely had three hours’ sleep last night.’  
  
‘...You got lucky?’  
  
Hyesung colours red with embarrassment and he immediately throws a shoe at Minwoo’s laughing face. ‘Get your mind out of the gutter, you ass! No, it’s just that Eric –’  
  
‘ _Oh_ , so you got lucky with  _Eric_  last night, eh,’ Minwoo cracks up.  
  
There is silence for a split second. Next thing anyone knows, Hyesung is making a strangled noise at the back of his throat before leaping to his feet and taking off after Minwoo.   
  
Junjin looks around bemusedly at this rare side of Hyesung and the childlike Minwoo (currently taunting his chaser with his nimbleness) only to be met with the sight of Andy looking directly at him from across the room.  
  
Junjin does not know how to react. He almost turns his back on the younger again, but something in the other man’s eyes hold him there. He cannot point out exactly what it is, but – it just might be his fear talking – there is something almost judgemental in the way Andy is staring at him right now.   
  
 _And why wouldn’t he judge him, really?_  Junjin feels his heart grow heavy with shame. Andy does not deserve any of the burdens Junjin has put on him.  
  
Minwoo and Hyesung whiz past his eyes again ( _‘When will you grow up, you effin idjit!’ ‘When you bust out some actual abs, Water-ssi~!’_ ) and Junjin takes the chance to break eye contact. He is turning back to his bag again when he sees Andy move towards him out of the corner of his eyes. He stops dead, one hand extended towards his backpack, and feels rather than see Andy quietly walking up to him, deftly avoiding their overzealous hyungs on the way. The younger man halts right behind him and it takes all his effort for Junjin not to have a mental breakdown right then and there.   
  
What the hell is supposed to say? Do?  
  
‘Choongjae...’ Andy’s soft voice is almost drowned out by Minwoo cackling behind them as he easily avoids a Taekwondo round kick from Hyesung.   
  
Junjin drops his extended arm to his side but does not look around. He is exhausted from lack of sleep and all the stress. He is sick with shame and self-hatred, and he does not want nor need to face the same things from Andy.   
  
Warm fingers wrap around his bare forearm and Junjin flinches as if he has been burnt. If Andy found that insulting, he does not show it. He firmly pulls the older man around so they are facing each other.  
  
‘Jin.’ Andy’s voice is stronger this time and prompts Junjin to meet his gaze. He is afraid to look, afraid of the revulsion and loathing the younger must be harbouring for him, but there is none of that in Andy’s eyes. They are void of expression and almost unreadable, but Junjin can still see that subtle judgemental glint in them. It sets his nerves on edge, feeling as if Andy is silently condemning him in his heart.   
  
What the maknae says next is the last thing Junjin is expecting, though: ‘If you weren’t going to call me back, it would’ve been nice if you’d answered my message, Jin...’  
  
Junjin gapes at him, at a loss for words. There is a slight upturn to Andy’s mouth, but his eyes are still serious.  
  
‘Choongjae,’ he murmurs, lowering his voice a little. ‘This ... it can’t go on forever. You can’t keep avoiding me like this. We need to talk. Please.’  
  
Junjin is still stuck in the phase of trying to get his head around the fact that Andy is actually talking to him and not looking at him like he is some rabid dog infected with a contagious disease. His next words come tumbling out of his mouth before he can stop himself, sounding childish almost,  
  
‘Y-you don’t hate me?’  
  
Andy looks up at him with surprise. His jaw slackens a bit. ‘What ...?’  
  
‘OK, TRUCE!’ Minwoo’s voice slices through the tense atmosphere and the two of them look around to see their hyungs collapsing on the floor, breathing raggedly.   
  
‘Shit, Pilkyo ...’ panted Minwoo. ‘I didn’t ... realise ... a decaffeinated you ... would get so ... stupidly touchy ... over a simple ... comment.’  
  
‘I’m still ... not satisfied,’ Hyesung grunts. He swiftly removes his second shoe and throws it at Minwoo’s face again. This time – ‘Bullseye! Now I’m satisfied.’  
  
Minwoo glares at him, but then grins devilishly and throws the shoe all the way to the farthest corner of the room. Hyesung shoots him a deadly look before giving up and flopping spread eagled on his back on the floor.   
  
‘Why are you in such a good mood today?’ Hyesung asks wearily. ‘You were pretty pissy yesterday.’  
  
Minwoo shrugs. ‘That’s exactly why. Yesterday didn’t get us anywhere. Anyway, what were you and Eric really up to last night that was so urgent you didn’t even sleep?’ asks the shorter man conversationally, nudging his friend’s thigh with his foot.   
  
‘He came over and we were talking ’cause we were so worried about Jun –’ Hyesung stops dead. He sits up abruptly and looks around at Junjin as if he remembered something important. He freezes again when he sees the two younger men standing close together, Andy still holding onto Junjin’s arm.  
  
Junjin feels his face heating up as he suddenly realises what Eric and Hyesung must have been talking about. He pulls his arm free from Andy’s lax grasp quickly and avoids the look the younger man throws at him.  
  
Minwoo, who has followed Hyesung’s gaze, crocks an eyebrow. ‘You two, er ... need a moment?’  
  
‘No,’ says Junjin, more quickly than he means to. He winces inwardly, aware of the way Andy is unabashedly gazing at him right now.  
  
Thankfully, the awkward moment is interrupted by the arrival of their dance team and other staff and crew, shortly followed by Dongwan and eventually Eric. He does not miss the probing look thrown at him by their leader or even Dongwan’s searching and concerned smile as he greets him good morning.   
  
As everyone gets started with their tasks and warm ups, Junjin discreetly steps as far away from Andy as the room allows before he begins with his stretching. He does not look to see if Andy has noticed. He tells himself he does not care right now and spends the rest of the morning trying to convince himself.  
  
However, during a break, Andy approaches him at a moment when Junjin is caught off guard sitting against the wall with his eyes closed, trying to control his breathing to ready his body for the next dance routine. His eyes fly open when he senses someone crouching down beside him and his breath catches in his throat when he sees Andy looking down at him, unsmiling.  
  
It is spoken as a question, but there is no room for argument in Andy’s next words. ‘Have dinner with me later, Jin?’  
  
There is no time for Junjin to reply. Andy gets up and walks away and Junjin’s left with a mess of thoughts of which he can make no head or tail.  
  
He looks up to see Andy throwing him one glance over his shoulder and Junjin is suddenly gripped with an odd feeling of mixed apprehension and exhilaration. The thought of being alone with Andy again so soon both terrifies and thrills him, but there is no doubt that he cannot get out of this. And later, while going through the new choreo of Scarface step-by-step, he realises that he should not try to make excuses to bail on this dinner anyway. Andy is right about them needing to talk. The thought still fills him with the old mind-numbing fear, but this is not only about Junjin anymore. It is no longer a problem that he can keep silent about and deal with on his own. He has made the mistake of dragging Andy into this mess and continuing to avoid the issue is not going to help either of them.  
  
He sighs as the song ends and Minwoo steps forward to discuss improvements to their routine. Accepting what he has to do does not necessarily mean the burden has been lifted off his mind. It is still there, weighing even more on his conscience, and frankly, Junjin is afraid to even wonder how things will unfold between Andy and himself tonight. He has no guarantee that either of them or their relationship will make it out of this, unscathed.  
  
Can they even be friends, when Andy is aware of Junjin and his ... well...?  
  
Junjin has had more than enough experience to know that one-sided feelings never bore well for relationships. Or friendships. And that is all he can think about for the rest of the day, all through rehearsal, group lunch, and rehearsals again.   
  
When it is finally time to end and they have all showered and dressed in normal clothes again, Minwoo and Eric gather them all together for one last discussion about their future group schedules and rehearsals. The day ends with them deciding on having a get-together party soon – just the six of them – to celebrate the success of their latest album and beginning of their Asia tour.   
  
‘So, Hyesung’s apartment, next Saturday?’  
  
‘Yeah!’  
  
‘Wait just a moment there, Eric, when did I ever say you guys can use my place for a party?’  
  
‘You’re saying it now. So, everyone can attend?’  
  
‘Sure.’  
  
‘Yeah!’  
  
‘I’m free.’  
  
‘Bastard. All right, fine. But you lot are bringing food and drinks. I’m not going to empty my cupboards.’  
  
‘... Oh, good. I don’t want to drown in sesame oil again.’  
  
‘Or choke on seeds. I think I needed CPR last time.’  
  
‘I  _heard_  that, assholes!’  
  
They move towards the exit, laughing and making the occasional jab at each other. Junjin smiles and tries to play along, but it is hard when his mind is so occupied with what is about to come up next. He curses himself for the reaction, but he can feel his heart already speeding up and his palms growing sweaty.   
  
Maybe dinner is not a good idea tonight after all, he thinks to himself as he waves at Minwoo and Dongwan who are already taking off.  
  
‘Hey, Jinnie. Wanna hit that new ramyun place with me?’  
  
Junjin looks round at Hyesung who is grinning at him and, damn it, he wants to say yes so badly, but he stops short. Not only because he has been shanghaied into another engagement, but also there is  _that look_  in Hyesung’s eyes. He wants to talk, Junjin realises. And he has a pretty good idea about what. Hyesung has probably been holding this inside him all day, ever since their little talk yesterday afternoon which Eric and Andy had interrupted...  
  
‘Well?’ Hyesung nudges him encouragingly.  
  
‘Er, hyung, I ...’  
  
‘Has plans with me.’  
  
Junjin feels an involuntary shudder run through his body; Andy’s voice had sounded almost right in his ear.  
  
Hyesung looks at their maknae with surprise, but Andy just smiles at him from across Junjin. ‘Sorry, hyung. Hope you don’t mind me stealing him from you tonight.’  
  
(He knows Andy does not mean it that way, but in that moment, he has to wonder if Andy is phrasing it like that on purpose.)  
  
‘Er, fine,’ says Hyesung uncertainly. His eyes meet Eric’s, who has been quietly and unknowingly watching them from the side. Junjin notices the meaningful look shared between them. Hyesung clears his throat. ‘Things are OK with you two?’  
  
Junjin is a little taken aback by Hyesung’s bluntness, but before he can reply, Andy says, ‘There’s nothing to worry about, hyung. We’ll see you during next practice.’  
  
It does not escape Junjin’s notice that Andy had avoided answering the actual question.  
  
The younger man takes off and Junjin follows, saying a quick goodbye to his hyungs. He pretends that he does not see how Hyesung moves to Eric’s side and they start quietly talking together, their eyes locked on the retreating backs of their dongsaengs.  
  
Andy leads Junjin to his car. The latter almost protests that he brought his own car too and perhaps they ought to drive separately to wherever Andy has decided they are going. However, something in Andy’s manner and silence stops him. He gets into the passenger seat wordlessly, aware of the heat around his collar and his galloping heart, and they barely speak a word for the rest of the ride.  
  
The car feels claustrophobic and Junjin feasts his eyes on the colours of Seoul that go rushing past, but it is impossible to ignore his companion’s presence. Every now and then, his eyes wander over to the driver’s seat and he prays to God that Andy does not notice how Junjin’s eyes roam over his shadowy profile, drinking in his silhouette longingly, before looking away again.  
  
They drive for several minutes before Junjin realises something is not quite right. They are no longer in an area with restaurants or diners, but this is more ... suburban. Apartment blocks and the occasional convenience store. It then strikes him that this place is also rather familiar to him.  
  
‘Andy-yah...’ He speaks up for the first time that evening. There is a lump in his throat. ‘I – I thought we were going to dinner?’  
  
Andy makes a sharp turn into the indoor parking lot of one of the apartment blocks and Junjin remains frozen in his seat, hardly daring to breathe as Andy slides his car neatly into a spot.   
  
Andy finally turns to Junjin and smiles slightly, answering his question. ‘We are.’  
  
Junjin does not know how to react.  
  
Andy has brought Junjin back to his place.


	5. Dinner and then some

Junjin's mind is still numb with shock and apprehension as he quietly follows Andy across the indoor parking lot to the elevator. He observes Andy's relaxed, almost careless gait as they walk; for all purposes, the younger man appears not the least bit tense or wary of this situation he has created. Exactly  _what_  situation it is, even Junjin cannot say. He has no idea what is going on anymore.  
  
Junjin hesitates outside the elevator doors. He hates this feeling of being left out of the loop, of getting into something unknown. But Andy looks at him with questioning innocence - as if the bastard does not realise how Junjin must be feeling right now and  _why_  - and he grits his teeth and steps inside. The ride up to Andy's floor is silent, tense and agonisingly long in the small, cramped place. The older man keeps his eyes fixed on the bright illuminated digits of the panel, his mind filled with questions and constantly aware of his companion's presence. Out of the corner of his eyes, he catches Andy's reflection and sees his thoughtful eyes locked on Junjin, and Junjin forces himself not to look around. He is not sure he wants to know what it all means right now.  
  
He breathes a sigh of relief when the elevator dings and opens, glad to be able to step away from the current bane of his existence. As quickly as it has disappeared, his nervousness comes rushing back though, when Andy unlocks his apartment door. He smiles lightly at Junjin, inviting him inside, and the latter gives a strained smile in response before obliging.   
  
It is not his first time at Andy's place. All of Shinhwa had come over when Andy had first moved into this flat, under the pretense of holding a housewarming ceremony, but mainly just to take a break from their busy schedules and party together, just the six of them. Junjin has been back a couple of times since then, but always with one or two other members. Never alone.  
  
The apartment still looks almost the same as he remembers. Quite obviously a bachelor's home, but comfortably airy and always with that touch of Andy's need for cleanliness and organisation - nearly everything is stacked neatly in place, his shelves lined with books and his collection of DVDs and music, and there is not a speck of litter on the floor. As Junjin ventures further inside, he is greeted by the sound of barking and a small white Maltese comes rushing at him from across the sitting room.  
  
His tense face automatically relaxes in a grin and he kneels down to scoop up the little dog. 'Long time no see, Fany,' he chuckles, craddling her fondly. She licks his face enthusiastically and then suddenly stops before craning her head around Junjin; she starts barking again, tail wagging and leaps out of Junjin's arms.  
  
He chuckles as she dashes towards Andy. 'Realised it wasn't your daddy, eh?'  
  
Andy laughs as he shrugs out of his jacket and puts away his keys before picking up his dog. 'Fany-yah, you remember Uncle Junjin, right? Keep him company for me, hmm? While I get some food ready.'  
  
Junjin is a little stunned when Andy presses Fany into his arms. 'Make yourself comfortable. I got some beer and soju in the fridge, if you want some. You're OK with jjajangmyeon, right? Or jjajangbap?'  
  
'Uh ... whichever,' Junjin stammers, abruptly realising that Andy had been entirely serious about the two of them having dinner. Just not in the way Junjin had imagined it to happen.   
  
Andy disappears into the kitchen and Junjin remains frozen in the middle of the sitting room for several seconds. Fany squirms in his arms and licks his fingers, bringing him back to the present. Shaken out of his reverie, Junjin gently places her on the sofa where she curls up on the armrest.Uunceremoniously dropping his bag and jacket on the floor, he hurries after Andy.  
  
'Wow,' he cannot help saying, seeing that Andy has already brought out the pots and saucepans, and started up the stove. 'You weren't kidding...'  
  
Andy glances briefly at him as he puts the water onto boil. 'Of course not.'  
  
Junjin hesitates a little. 'You know, we ... we could've just gone out. Would've saved you the trouble of doing all this.'  
  
This time, Andy does not look at him as he rifles through his fridge. 'I don't mind cooking. Besides ... this gives us more privacy.'  
  
Junjin says nothing. Andy straightens up, a container of kimchi in one hand and a beer in the other. Nudging the fridge door close with his heel, he holds out the can to Junjin who takes it wordlessly with a nod of thanks. Andy nods towards the sitting room.  
  
'Go sit down and relax. Watch TV or something. I won't take too long.'  
  
'Right...' he mumbles, fidgeting awkwardly. 'Y'know, I'd offer to help-'  
  
'Jin, it's  _fine_.' This time Andy actually steps up close, startling Junjin a little, and physically pushes him out of his kitchen with a gentle shove.   
  
'Besides, I like my kitchen as it is, disaster-free,' he teases out of the blue, his eyes twinkling with that old spark of mischief. Junjin feels his heart expand with unexpected warmth at the sight of it, his tension miraculously lessening in the face of Andy's familiar perkiness. He cannot say why it is making him feel this way, but Junjin suddenly feels hope rising within him, that somehow it is possible for Andy and him to go back to how things were before - almost.   
  
Andy is still smiling at him and Junjin smiles back, genuinely this time. He watches as Andy turns back to what he was doing for a few seconds and then heads back into the sitting room, feeling considerably lighter than before.  
  
Perhaps all is not lost, after all.  
  


~***~  
  


'Jin-ah...'  
  
With a low grown, Junjin nuzzles his head deeper into the warm softness beneath him, trying to block out the annoying caller disturbing his slumber.  
  
'Jinnie, come on.' The voice grows more insistent.  
  
'Go away,' he mumbles, waving a hand limply as if to swat away the enemy of his sleep.  
  
'Choongjae-yah,' the voice sounds right in his ear this time, low and deep and almost threatening. 'If you want to sleep, go die on your own sofa, not mine.'  
  
The proximity of the voice and the feel of hot breath on his skin awaken Junjin as effectively as a bucket of ice doused on him. With a start, he rolls over in panic and yelps as he suddenly plunges down.   
  
 _THUD_.  
  
The fall is cruelly short and he groans in pain, winded, as he lands face down on what he realises is the floor. His memories awaken then and he groggily remembers - oh yeah, he had been sprawled on Andy's sofa the whole time -   
  
Wait.   
  
'Shit!' Arms wrap around him from behind, one around his waist and the other his shoulders, and Junjin is gently heaved up into a kneeling position. A warm torso presses against his back. 'You OK, Jin?'  
  
Junjin blinks, still a little dazed. 'Er...'  
  
'I didn't think you'd fall off the damn sofa. You didn't hit your head, did you? Concussion?'  
  
'Wha - I'm fine ... I think.' He gives his head a little shake, trying to rid himself of the lingering dizziness and sleep. His head aches a little. 'Just a little disoriented...'  
  
Junjin's vision clears and he looks around blearily, taking in the empty beer can he left standing on the coffee table, the variety program still blaring on the TV and then Andy's concerned eyes peering anxiously into his face over Junjin's shoulder from just inches away, his chest still pressing lightly against Junjin's back -   
  
 _Oh._  
  
With an involuntary flinch, the older man almost falls over forward in his hurried scramble to get to his feet. 'I-I'm OK.'   
  
Andy's supporting arms fall off his waist and shoulders as Junjin leaps up. Ignoring the older man's belated (and blatantly alarmed) reaction, Andy straightens to his feet and gives him a relieved smile.   
  
'That's good. I was afraid I'd have to drag your ass to the hospital at this time of night and all my food and hard work would've gone to waste.'  
  
Junjin is not sure if he should be glad about Andy's light hearted jokes or wary of this whole nonchalant act. Andy must clearly be aware of Junjin's discomfiture around him, not to mention the reason for it - and yet, this whole uncaring air and all the friendly smiles and even the blasé touching and skinship ... just what is Andy trying to tell him?   
  
He has been ignoring the thought for a while, but he cannot deny that it has crossed his mind more than once today, especially with how Andy had been around him during the tour rehearsal. Can Andy possibly be...? Junjin entertains the possibility for less than a second before utterly disregarding it. No, it cannot be that. He is pretty damn sure that Andy does not return his feelings. He has paid enough attention to the other lately to know that much, at least. Heck, even knowing about Junjin's unnatural and one-sided feelings must surely be extremely discomforting for him.   
  
The other thought that strikes Junjin then is far more disturbing and even unlikelier. He immediately pushes it out of his mind. If there is one thing that all these years of friendship have taught Junjin about Andy, it is that his friend is one of the kindest and most caring souls he has ever had the good fortune of knowing. On that basis alone, it is impossible that Andy is ... teasing him. Testing his boundaries ... seeing how far he can push Junjin, now that he knows his little secret...  
  
 _No_ , hisses that little voice inside his head vehemently,  _Andy would never do such a cruel thing._  
  
Never.  
  
'So, food?'  
  
Junjin silences the chaotic thoughts in his mind and nods. Taking a breath, he pulls on the sort of bright smile that the old Junjin would have. Because, whatever Andy's motives may be right now, Junjin does not want this situation to grow into an even bigger mess. If Andy can still treat him like he has always done, with that same warmth and kindness, then Junjin wants to do the same - for the sake of their friendship that has held fast for half of their lives, if nothing else.   
  
Because, he muses to himself as he follows Andy to his small dining table, despite the trying times they have faced, the obstacles that have come between them and the years they have spent as members supposedly awkward with each other - in the end, when it comes right down to it, they are and always have been friends. In their own way, be it in front of cameras or away from prying eyes, they have supported each other and cared for each other and tried for each other. Whatever it is they have between them, it is just as significant and precious as what they have with the others. In the long run, that is all that matters, and what is worth salvaging in the ruins Junjin has created between them.   
  
And Junjin will salvage it - their friendship - no matter what it takes. He cannot – will not – lose Andy like this, over his own unnatural desires and unwanted feelings. They are not worth that.  
  
Nothing is worth losing Andy.  
  


~***~  
  


'This is fucking delicious!'  
  
Andy smiles rather wryly as he takes another swig from his bottle of soju. 'You swore. I'm flattered.'  
  
'I just paid you a compliment and what makes you happy is that I swore?' Junjin asks, not looking up from his plate as he happily scoops up another helping of jjajangmyeon with his chopsticks.   
  
'If there's one thing I've learnt from the hyungs, it's that I'm not doing it right unless it makes you guys swear your mouths off,' Andy replies with an amused grin.   
  
Junjin snorts and helps himself to more kimchee. 'Fuck you and your fucking cooking.'  
  
Andy laughs and jokes back, 'I'm blushing, stop it you.'   
  
The older man shrugs and goes back to eating, unable to hide his grin. He is not really sure when their dinner conversation began or how it has escalated to this nonsense - it is the soju, maybe - but he is not complaining. Whatever is to be blamed, he is quite grateful for it, in fact. The atmosphere is easygoing and comfortable, and Junjin is actually enjoying having dinner with Andy.   
  
It also does help that the food truly is "fucking delicious". Andy had whipped up not only jjajangmyeon, but also some plain rice, which he had then proceeded to mix in with his portion of the noodles. (Junjin had asked why Andy had not simply just made jjajangbap since he obviously prefers rice, and Andy had replied that he had thought Junjin would like noodles better.) Junjin had tried the blend himself and liked it, even more so with the kimchee Andy had brought out. ('Rice is never complete without kimchee,' Andy had proclaimed seriously and Junjin had to agree with him on that one.)  
  
Andy has also brought out a couple of bottles of soju, and though Junjin usually enjoys drinking, he has carefully kept himself in check so far, especially since he has already downed a beer earlier. It has not escaped his mind the real reason he is here, in spite of the carefree mood between them. Andy has obviously brought him over for something, and though Junjin is renowned for being able to hold his liquour, he wants to be entirely in his right mind when faced with whatever Andy will throw at him. But he has to admit that the few cups of soju he has allowed himself have indeed relaxed him.  
  
Andy pushes the little pot with the last of the jjajangmyeon towards him. 'Wanna finish that off?'  
  
'Tempting ... but hell, I'm full.'  
  
The younger makes a face. 'Me, too. It'd be a pity to waste it, though.'  
  
'...Share?'  
  
Andy breaks into a smile. 'Deal.'   
  
The both of them end up digging their chopsticks into the noodles at the same time. Perhaps it is the old unspoken memory of the time they all lived together in the dorms, when they had made food together to share and ended up playfully fighting over who would get the biggest portion and the last bite - but one clash of their chopsticks against each other's is all it takes before Junjin and Andy burst out laughing and fighting with their chopsticks over the last of the noodles.   
  
'Back off, that piece is from my side!'  
  
'Oops, too late.' Andy stuffs it in his mouth and grins provocatively as he chews.  
  
Junjin shoots him a glare and then, with a devilish smirk, scoops the rest of the noodles on Andy's side of the pot towards him with a single sweep of his chopsticks. With a furious 'Ey!' Andy fervently resumes the fight to win back his noodles. They end up standing and leaning over the table on their elbows, shovelling the jjajangmyeon into their mouths as fast as they can as they raced against each other to get the last bite, snorting and laughing along the way. Junjin thinks back to earlier days when such a situation used to be a six-way fight (well OK, mostly five. Hyesung was - still is - too dignified to chopstick-fight over food). Those times had certainly been messier and way more difficult, he thinks to himself.   
  
He almost changes his mind when Andy suddenly shoves Junjin's chopsticks away so forcefully that bits of sauce went flying everywhere; with a wicked grin, he steals the slice of beef the latter has been aiming for. Growling under his breath, Junjin starts gathering up the few remaining noodles in vengeance.  
  
'Last bite is mine, Andy-yah!'  
  
'Just try it,' Andy challenges and proceeds to swiftly wrap the other end of the noodle strands around his own chopsticks.   
  
They shove the jjajangmyeon in their mouths at the same time, shooting equally defiant glares at each other playfully. Junjin slurps in his mouthful forcefully, determined to get as many of the noodles as possible, but then - at the last moment, his heart starts pounding and Junjin realises that –  _what the bloody hell_  – they have taken in the same noodle strand, from opposite ends.  
  
He stops dead, the exhilaration of the childish game suddenly dying inside him. Andy realises what has happened as well and stops, too, staring at Junjin with surprised eyes across the thin yellow strand connecting them over too short a distance. Had they not realised it and kept going ... Junjin does not want to imagine that.  
  
In that split second, Junjin finds himself wondering what Andy is thinking. Does he find this situation – made classic by a freaking Disney cartoon of all things and found repetitively in frickin' dramas, not real life, damn it – as unbelievable as Junjin does? Or as unthinkable? Ridiculous? ...Fearful?  
  
On any other day, in front of a camera or an audience, the old Junjin might have closed that tiny gap between them to make viewers scream with glee. Or, even without a camera or audience, he might still have closed that tiny gap just to tease Andy, to laugh at his reaction at being kissed through food, or to make fun of such an implausible fairytale circumstance actually happening.   
  
Today is not any other day, though. Nor is he the Junjin he used to be.   
  
He bites down, breaking off the noodle strand between them, and straightens slowly, forcing himself to stay calm. A sense of disappointment settles over him; it is strange and the feeling irks him. It is then he realises that he has actually been tempted to take it all the way - very much so. He looks away from the sight of Andy quietly slurping up the limp noodle hanging from his puckered mouth, feeling ashamed and disgusted with himself. Whatever amiability that has been between them before has vanished, giving way to the previous tension in the air.  
  
'You win,' says Junjin with an awkward cough. He gathers up the empty pot and kimchee plate.   
  
'Leave it. I'll do the dishes later,' says Andy.   
  
Junjin puts them down wordlessly. Usually, he would offer to help with the washing up in exchange for the cooking, but right now, he just really wants to leave.  
  
'Thanks for dinner. It was great. It's getting late, though...'  
  
Andy crocks an eyebrow. 'I thought you were free tomorrow. Doesn't everyone have the day off?'  
  
'Yeah,' says Junjin without thinking, and immediately regrets not lying.  
  
'Great. Then you can stay a while longer.'  
  
'Andy...'  
  
'I brought you here so we could talk, Jin.'   
  
Junjin shuts up at Andy's sudden bluntness.  _Right..._  
  
Andy clears his throat, now looking a little weird. 'I wanted us to have dinner and drink a bit so we could be a bit more comfortable ... but ...'  
  
Yeah, Andy does not have to say it out loud, Junjin thinks to himself. His plan had been going perfectly well before unexpectedly backfiring. The two of them are anything but comfortable right now.  _All thanks to one noodle._  Junjin inwardly snorts at the thought.  
  
Clearing his throat again, Andy sits back down and looks expectantly at his guest. Giving in, Junjin slowly lowers himself into his chair as well. Ignoring his earlier inhibitions, he reaches for the soju bottle and his cup again. He is no longer sure he can do this completely sober.  
  
'So?' Junjin prompts quietly when the silence continues to drag on. 'Shoot.'  
  
Andy plays with his empty cup. 'To be honest, I'm not really sure where to start...'  
  
Junjin heaves a heavy sigh and downs another cup of alcohol. 'Maybe,' he mutters, pouring out more soju again, 'I'm the one who should start.'  
  
Andy looks up.  
  
'Start by saying sorry,' Junjin continues, avoiding the other's eyes. He takes another long swig and shakes the hair out of his eyes. 'Sorry for this whole mess and for everything ... I was so stupid and I shouldn't have...'  
  
'Jin,' Andy interrupts, his voice surprisingly gentle. 'I'm not looking for an apology.'  
  
Junjin hesitates for a few seconds, wondering how to respond. 'Then what? What do you want to talk about?'  
  
'Just...' Andy runs a hand through his auburn hair, looking troubled. 'I guess ... maybe an explanation first. You ... I'm confused and -'  
  
The older man winces a little, feeling stirrings of both shame and anger welling up inside him. An explanation? Hasn't his slip up during their confrontation yesterday made everything perfectly clear to Andy? Why does he need Junjin to come out and spell it out for him? It is almost like torture.  
  
'What do you want me to say?' asks Junjin, his tone acerbic. 'You already know what my feeli - what my problem is.'  
  
'Jin,' Andy begins, but the older man shakes his head angrily.  
  
'Why do you need me to say it? This is already eating away at me every single day and I don't need you to -!'  
  
'I don't want there to be more misunderstandings between us,' speaks up Andy forcefully, cutting across Junjin. 'I don't want to be left with just some half-assed idea of what the problem between us is. I don't want to have to fill in the gaps by myself without knowing the whole truth. I don't want this to get any worse.'  
  
Junjin glares at him, fists clenched. More than angry, he is just hurt. Hurt that Andy is forcing him into this. 'You want me to spell out the truth for you? Fine! I have feelings for you! Satisfied?' Breathing hard, he looks away stonily. 'But you already knew that.'  
  
Andy is silent for several seconds. Junjin refuses to look at him.  
  
Finally, the younger man ventures softly, 'I'm sorry, Jin, if this came across as my hurting you. That was never my intention. I just wanted to know the truth once and for all -'  
  
'Now you do.'  
  
'- and to understand.'  
  
Junjin blinks and looks around, taken aback. 'Understand ... what?'  
  
Andy bites his lower lip. 'I don't know. You. This. Like, how could it have...?'  
  
Junjin smiles mirthlessly and looks away again. 'I've been asking myself that every day. Even I don't know. It just ... happened. And not just overnight. It happened.'  
  
His words take a few seconds to sink in and Andy's eyes widen a little. He wrings his hands together uncertainly. 'How ...' It takes a moment for him to force the words out. 'How long ... have you...?' He cannot finish.  
  
Junjin lowers his gaze to the tabletop. 'It's been a while,' he finally admits, his voice just above a whisper.   
  
He himself has lost count of the days. He has just simply fallen for Andy. That is all there is to it. He wants him, in a way he has never wanted another man before. The thought brings back the ringing shame and disappointment in himself again and he tries to empty his mind. It is nigh impossible though, when he sees Andy staring at him from across the table.  
  
The silence drags on between them again, longer this time. However, the tension has dissipated a bit, the atmosphere between them not as charged as it has been all day. Somewhere deep down, Junjin feels an unexpected lightness, as if directly confessing everything has relieved him of his burden somewhat. He breathes in and closes his eyes, waiting for Andy to break the silence.  
  
At long last, Andy finally says, his voice soft, 'So, this is why you've been so distant around me. But why?'  
  
Junjin's eyes fly open. His mouth slackens a bit. 'I ...' He frowns a little, his cheeks growing hot. 'I ... I guess I was afraid. I didn't want you to find out.'  
  
'What did you think would happen if I knew the truth?'  
  
It is a hard question to answer. On one hand, he has been so terrified of Andy hating him and turning him away; that has been his biggest fear. But it is not only that. He has also been scared of himself, of what his feelings meant. To feel something so sinful and wrong, to long for Andy like this – it goes against his very being, and what he has thought he knew about himself all his life.  
  
'Did you think I'd hate you for it?' Andy suddenly asks perceptively. Junjin winces involuntarily, confirming his answer. Andy leans forward a little, his eyes dark and earnest. 'Jin ... you idiot. You should know by now that I will never hate you. None of us will. We're brothers forever.'  
  
The words ring with comfort, but somehow, they only make Junjin feel worse. With a groan, he buries his head in his arms. 'It's not only that, Andy-yah.'  
  
'Tell me. Please.'  
  
Taking a shuddering breath, he lifts his head. 'This was never supposed to be your burden to bear. It's my problem, this sick feeling -'  
  
'Do you really think it's sick? Wrong?'  
  
Junjin is a little shocked. There is a sharp edge to Andy's eyes as he gazes at him, demanding an answer.   
  
'Isn't it?' Junjin finally breathes. 'You said it yourself, we're like brothers. You're my friend. I shouldn't feel this way. All my life, I've never - not once ... and just suddenly ...' He shakes his head. 'This is not me, it's never been me. This goes against everything I've ever believed in.'  
  
Andy frowns thoughtfully. 'Y'know, Jin, I understand that our society is ... er, a bit conservative about this. But I've spent the first half of my life abroad and ... well, this is not ...' Andy appears to be searching for the right words, 'this is not something ... new to me. I've seen this, I've been exposed to it and ... It - it doesn't make me hate you. And ... you shouldn't hate yourself, either.'  
  
The older man gives him a pained look, realising what Andy is trying to say: to accept and be at peace with the fact that Junjin likes men. But Andy has not heard the whole of it. Junjin does not know where he gets the courage, but next thing he knows, he is blurting,   
  
'I'm not attracted to other men, Andy...'  
  
Andy falls silent at the confession and Junjin fingers the rim of his soju cup, his face burning. It is not just that he is not attracted to other men, but rather he is not attracted to  _anyone_  right now. Except the man in front of him. It is actually a familiar situation for Junjin; every time he has truly fallen in love with a woman, all other females just paled into insignificance for him. No one else matters. But Andy does not need to know that.  
  
As for his sexual orientation, Junjin does not really know what to think of himself anymore. He wonders how likely it is to fall for one man without liking men in general; it seems quite unlikely, to be honest. Maybe he is now discovering that he likes both women and men, and it just so happens that he has fallen for Andy already, so he is not the least bit attracted to anyone else right now, be it a man or a woman. Is that possible? He wonders anxiously.  
  
Whatever the case may be, he knows one thing for sure. He cannot allow his feelings for Andy to endure. They can never be.   
  
'I see...' When Andy speaks up at last, there is a slight waver to his voice that was not there before. There is a flustered look in his normally calm eyes and it takes a moment for him to meet Junjin's gaze. The older man wonders if, with his last words, Andy has finally got a real inkling as to the degree to which Junjin's feelings extends for him. Clearing his throat, Andy asks quietly, 'So ... what do you want us to do?'  
  
 _Us?_  
  
Junjin exhales slowly, willing himself to stay calm. 'There is nothing for  _us_  to do, Andy. Just me. Like I said before, this is my burden to bear, not yours. You were never supposed to be involved.'  
  
Andy's eyes flare a bit. 'But I am involved now, aren't I? What am I supposed to do, just  _ignore_  that -?!'  
  
'Yes,  _ignore_ ,' snaps Junjin. 'You know the truth, but just ignore it. Pretend none of this ever happened. That will make it easier for me to get over it -'  
  
'Jin, I never demanded that you get over this!'  
  
'I never said you did,' Junjin hisses, 'Then what are you suggesting, that I just live with these one-sided feelings for the rest of my life?!'  
  
'No, I –' Andy begins to look confused and troubled again. 'That's not it...'  
  
'Then what?' Junjin is exasperated. 'See, this is why I never wanted you to find out. I didn't want you to think you're obligated to share this burden or – God forbid – pity me and think that you have to return my feelings -'  
  
'Why are you making all these presumptions about me all on your own?' Andy's voice rises.  
  
'Because I know you don't feel about me that way!' Junjin bursts out.   
  
'You never even asked -'  
  
'And if I did?' Junjin stands up. 'If I looked you in the eyes right now and asked if you can love me back - then what?'  
  
Andy stares up at him with wide eyes, his mouth slightly open. He cannot speak.  
  
Junjin sighs. 'You see?' he says, gentle now. 'I know. And you don't have to beat yourself up over this. You don't owe me anything, no obligations and no apologies.'  
  
'Choongjae...' Andy slowly rises to his feet, but Junjin holds up a hand.  
  
'No, listen to me, Sunho. I know you're worried about me. And maybe you feel like you need to take some responsibility for this because you think it's unfair that I have to deal with everything alone.' From the shadow that crosses Andy's eyes, Junjin knows he has guessed correctly. 'But it's not like that. It's not your fault. And I ... I'll learn to deal with it. You don't owe me anything. I'm not asking anything of you.'  
  
'You can say that,' Andy says quietly, leaning his palms on the table heavily. 'But that won't make it any easier. How can I pretend nothing's happened when I know you're hurting because of me?'  
  
'Don't, Andy,' Junjin says seriously. 'Don't. It's not your fault and you know that. I just wish I'd dealt with this better. And I'm sorry for -'  
  
'Don't you dare apologise for your feelings,' Andy shoots at him. 'It's ... it's not wrong, Jin, whatever you may think. I'm just...'   
  
'If you're going to say you're sorry because you can't return my feelings, I swear I'll stab you through both eyes with your own chopsticks and then some.'  
  
Andy chuckles at the superfluous threat and Junjin smiles back wryly.   
  
'... But ... there is just one thing I want to ask of you, though.'  
  
The younger man looks up, his face open and earnest. 'Anything.'  
  
Junjin bites his lips and looks down, unable to make eye contact. For a second, he fears he may start crying. 'Please just ... don't ever stop being my friend. Don't hate me, please...'  _I can't bear it._  
  
His shoulders tremble and his vision blurs a little, his heart heavy with the plea he has put in that one request. Suddenly, he feels himself being turned around. Arms come around him and next thing he knows, Andy is holding him firmly to him, his gentle hands stroking his back and fingers curling into his hair.  
  
'Choongjae, you idiot ... Never, OK? I promise.'   
  
The tears finally escape his eyes and Junjin gives in. Fisting his hands into the small of Andy's back, he buries his face in his shoulder and tries to contain the sobs that wreck his body. Andy hugs him tighter, whispering soothingly in his ear.  
  
'It'll be OK. You hear me? We've always made it through. We'll be OK...'  
  
Junjin does not know for how long they stay like that. His eyes eventually dry and his heart starts feeling lighter. He allows the moment to linger a little more, absorbing Andy's warmth and his gentleness and his subtle scent, before finally pulling away. He feels a sense of loss as Andy steps back, but reminds himself that he has just made both of them the promise to get over this. He has to let go.  
  
Andy's eyes are kind as he looks up at Junjin. 'I have one request to make of you too, Jinnie.'  
  
'Yeah?' Junjin tries not to look too self-conscious as he would-be-carelessly wipes a hand over the tear tracks on his cheeks.  
  
'Please don't avoid me again. I understand everything now, but ... please. You said you want things to go back to the way they were. I've been trying all along to do just that. Do the same for me.'  
  
Suddenly, Andy's nonchalant air, his friendliness and the occasional skinship that have been troubling Junjin all this time suddenly make sense. Junjin smiles softly. 'OK.'  
  
'Good.'  
  


~***~  
  


It is with an easier air between them that they finally move on from the long overdue talk. Despite the late hour, Junjin stubbornly insists on helping with the dishes and Andy dryly jokes that if he broke even one, he would have to buy an entire new set. They manage to get through the task with no ceramic casualties and Junjin finally picks up his jacket and bag, ready to leave.   
  
'I'll drop you off?' Andy offers.  
  
'That's OK, it's late.'  
  
'Jin ... I drove you here, remember?'  
  
Junjin frowns. 'Oh, right. Damn it. Why didn't I just bring my car?'  
  
Andy snorts. 'Guess I'm driving you. Wait, I'll get my jacket.'  
  
'Then you're also driving me to the studio tomorrow so I can pick up my damn car,' barks Junjin after Andy.  
  
'We have managers for a reason, Choongjae.'  
  
'It's our day off tomorrow and, if you recall, it wasn't my freaking manager who made me leave my car behind!'  
  
'All right, fine. Pshh.'  
  
Still bickering, they leave. Junjin registers the comforting familiarity of this atmosphere between them. He still has deep feelings for Andy and he knows they will not be easy to overcome, but as Andy shoves him with his shoulder in retaliation for Junjin's snide remark about Andy's car sucking in comparison to Junjin's, he thinks that he certainly does not want to lose this. Having these feelings for Andy and struggling to forget them may be extremely painful right now, but he sure as heck would much rather endure that pain than that of losing Andy forever. And now that they have promised to never let go of their friendship, no matter what – especially Andy's acceptance of Junjin tonight – he knows he can get through this more easily.   
  
At least, that is what he believes all the way home, until Andy pulls up outside his apartment block and they see a couple passionately making out right outside.   
  
'Pssh, exhibitionists,' mutters Junjin, rolling his eyes as he unbuckles his seatbelt.   
  
'I thought you were OK with public displays of affection?' remarks Andy, his tone teasing.  
  
'Whatever the hell gave you that idea,' retorts Junjin, resisting the urge to stick his tongue out childishly. 'I'll have you know I'm a gentleman to the core –' He stops talking, his eyes locked on the couple outside. Raising his eyebrows, Andy looks around as well. He stills, his grip tightening on the steering wheel.  
  
The couple kissing before them are two men.  
  
Under any other circumstance, Junjin might have just raised an eyebrow and simply moved on, thinking nothing of it. But right now, considering the events and conversations of the day, doing that is a little impossible. Andy seems to be feeling slightly awkward, too. His grip on the wheel has still not loosened.  
  
Finally, the couple in front of the building becomes aware that they have company. They break apart and identical looks of embarrassment and panic cross their faces when they see the car and the two passengers. Junjin quickly looks away as they quickly part ways, one going inside the building and the other down the pavement. He wonders if things will continue to be like this in the future: him and Andy being quite normal until they both come across something that alludes to Junjin having feelings for Andy. He cringes inwardly.   
  
'Thanks for the ride, Andy. I'll see you later.' Junjin makes to open the door, but stops when Andy quietly says,  
  
'Jin ... can I ask something? Just ... out of curiosity.'  
  
'What?'  
  
'You don't have to answer if you don't want to...' Andy trails off and Junjin stares at him, puzzled. Andy hesitates, then nods at where the couple had been. 'You know, we've ... pretty much done stuff like that. Among the members, I mean. Just for the hell of it...'  
  
 _Oh no._  Junjin resigns himself to answering an extremely awkward question. '...Yeah?'  
  
'We certainly don't act like that with women, except girlfriends.'  
  
'What's your point?' mumbles Junjin. He can suspect where Andy is going with this.  
  
'So, I'm just wondering ... being like that with men so much, though we were just doing it playfully, is it possible to...?'  
  
It's almost funny that Andy is asking the first thing Junjin had asked himself when he had first realised his feelings for Andy: was it all the skinship between men that had made Junjin "confused" about his orientation? Is such a thing possible?  
  
'I don't know,' replies Junjin shortly, but truthfully. 'Have you ever felt like that?'  
  
'I don't know. I've never really thought of it like that, actually.'  
  
'Mm.' Junjin decides it is not a good idea to mention that only kissing Andy has been giving him butterflies lately, not any of the other members. 'Is that all?' He makes to open the door again.  
  
'Can I try?' Andy blurts out.  
  
Junjin freezes, his fingers already on the handle. 'What ... do you mean?'   
  
'Can I try something ... with you? Only if you're OK with it...'  
  
Slowly, almost unwillingly, Junjin turns to face him. Andy's face is expressionless, but Junjin recognises the nervousness - almost fear - in his dark eyes as he quietly watches Junjin, waiting for his answer. There is uncertainty there, too, and apprehension.  
  
A bad feeling comes over him and Junjin has to force himself to ask, 'What's that?'  
  
'I ... I just want to try...' Andy hesitates for the longest moment, and this time, his discomfort is written all over his face, but it is with a quiet determination that he meets Junjin's eyes. Without another word, he unbuckles his seat belt and deliberately leans towards Junjin. Bringing their faces within inches of each other, Andy does not break eye contact, but Junjin sees his nervousness and embarrassment increasing.   
  
Andy pauses, tilting his face just the slightest, and what he is asking of Junjin becomes alarmingly clear. Honestly, it not only shocks Junjin, but scares him as well. He gapes at Andy, confused and at a loss for words. Unwittingly, his eyes dip to Andy's parted lips; his mouth goes dry and a lump forms in his throat. He cannot speak, but Andy seems to have taken Junjin's silence as consent. Before he can react, Andy closes the distance between them, placing a hand on Junjin's neck to pull him closer.  
  
The first touch is light and soft, just barely there; similar to the swift kisses they often shared between members for fanservice. But in that moment, it nearly makes Junjin's heart leap to his throat, his skin burning hot. He almost pulls away, feeling his heart beginning to pound already, but soon he realises that his hell has just begun. Andy presses closer, weaving his fingers through Junjin's hair to tug him forward. His lips move softly over his, testing and experimenting, and then grows bold, more aggressive. He pulls Junjin even closer, coaxing his lips to part and kisses him even more deeply. His thoughts in chaos, Junjin squeezes his eyes shut and allows Andy to do as he pleases. He finds himself giving in slightly, responding a little to Andy's insistent mouth.   
  
Then, a warm tongue presses between his lips and Junjin comes undone.  
  
In all their years together, in all their teasing and pranks, this is a boundary that has never been crossed. They have always known their limits, where to draw the line and respect it, but this – this is a leap that cannot be unmade. There is no going back with this.  
  
'Sunho,' gasps Junjin, his breath heaving, but Andy pulls him back, sliding his tongue into his mouth and twisting Junjin's very being with his sensual ministrations. All his control and logical thoughts give way to his repressed desires and Junjin wraps his arm around Andy, fervently kissing him back, losing himself in the battle for dominance. Andy bites down lightly and Junjin moans a little, swiping his tongue across Andy's bottom lip. He tilts his head, wanting to taste his lips from every angle -  
  
 _HONK_.  
  
They leap apart, startled, as a van goes rushing past their car. Junjin leans back in his seat, chest heaving, and a glance to the side reveals that Andy is as breathless as him, if not more. The younger man does not look up, his eyes locked on the dashboard, and even in the darkness, Junjin can make out the high colour on his cheeks. Neither of them speaks for several seconds.  
  
Junjin clears his throat. His lips are still tingling from the attention Andy has paid them and his heart still feels like a horse galloping on steroids. 'Uh...'  
  
Andy breathes in, still avoiding his eyes. 'Yeah ... I just ...'  
  
'...Wanted to try.'  
  
Andy winces a little. 'Uh ... mm.'  
  
When there is no elaboration coming forth from the younger, Junjin mumbles, looking straight ahead, 'Well ... was it a good idea, then?'  
  
There is no reply.   
  
'... Good night, Andy.' Junjin grabs his bag and quickly climbs out of the car. He has barely shut the door when Andy revs his engine and tears away from the curb.   
  
Junjin watches until the headlights disappear round the corner.  
  
 _So ... where does it go from here?_


	6. Hypocrite

Junjin does not see hide nor hair of Andy for six days following the  _experiment_  the younger had wanted to try with him. There had been no group practices during those days, mostly for the benefit of the members to tie up their solo work before coming together for their last rehearsals and commencing their Asia tour. It is not uncommon for them to go even longer periods of time without contacting each other, but the longer Andy's silence draws out, the deeper Junjin's anxiety grows.  
  
Just when he had thought that things had taken a turn for the better between Andy and himself, Fate had turned itself around. It feels like they have gone right back to square one. He is back to fretting, back to feeling numb with fear ... back to wondering just what the hell Andy is thinking, feeling towards him...   
  
Only, this time, it somehow feels much worse than before.   
  
He has lost count of how many times his finger has hovered over the call button of his phone, eyes locked on the glowing name of the one man who has become the very ban of his existence. However, every time he nearly gives into the whim, Junjin is assaulted with the memory of Andy's nervous eyes drawing nearer to him, the sensual feel of his hot breath mingling with Junjin's own as Andy brings Junjin to the very brink of his undoing, and then Andy's face in the shadows of his car when it was all over, how he had avoided looking at him - and Junjin just cannot bring himself to do it. He puts the phone down and walks around the room, trying to clear his head, and it becomes a vicious cycle that repeats every time he comes close to losing his mind, desperate to hear from the other man again.  
  
In a corner of his mind, there is a voice filled with disgust that scorns him for how pathetic he has become, how low he has sunk. At these times, he longs for the old Junjin to come back, so that he can laugh at himself and actually get over this and move on with his life, unscathed. He is starting to scare himself - or if he has already been scared before, then he is pretty darn terrified now.   
  
And perhaps, that is what scares him even more: the fact that he can barely recognise himself now. He looks in the mirror and sees a face he has seen thousands of times day and night, but it is no longer familiar to him.  
  
Sometimes, he hates Andy for that. For reducing him to this, whatever this is.  
  
Mostly, he just hates himself. If only he had never ... and he stops his train of thought right there, because there is no end to  _that_  vicious cycle.  
  
And so Junjin goes on like that, waiting for Andy and feeling like he is just existing merely for the sake of existing, but still no Andy comes to him to relieve him of this pain of waiting for something Junjin does not even know.   
  
In a way, Andy can be cruel like that, Junjin thinks to himself once.  
  


~***~  
  


One evening, Dongwan spontaneously invites him out for dinner and drinks. Junjin is glad for the distraction from the monotony of the recent days and accepts his hyung's offer. But the thoughts still continue to bother him and he takes the opportunity to nonchalently ask Dongwan whether he has heard from the maknae lately.  
  
Dongwan shrugs a shoulder as he briskly flips the strips of beef over the hot grill. 'Not much. I think he's doing some last minute clean ups with his groups before we kick off the tour.'  
  
Junjin nods vaguely, carefully keeping his face void of emotion as he pours out more soju for them.  
  
Dongwan is not fooled though. He shoots his dongsaeng a long look across the table. 'If you're so worried, why don't you ask him yourself, Jinne?'  
  
Junjin is a little shocked and Dongwan shakes his head with a sigh.   
  
'C'mon, Jin-ah. Everyone knows something's up between you two. It's the most obvious thing next to the sun! We just don't talk about it to your faces because you're both grown ass men and we assume you have enough balls to sort it out for yourselves.'  
  
If the topic was not so nerve-wrecking for Junjin, he would have rolled his eyes and called out on the typical two-hour-Dongwan-lecture that is prominently on the horizon of their conversation. Spend enough time with the man and you can just  _sense_  it coming, like a change in the wind hailing an impending storm.  
  
He does not want to hear it though. He does not want to endure listening to his hyung going on and on about how he and Andy are friends and that they should just sort this all out over a bottle of soju or a punch in the face like men, while not knowing a single thing about what is  _actually_  wrong between them. So, Junjin cuts Dongwan's follow up line short with a sharp,  
  
'I know that, hyung. But we're not in a fight or anything, OK.'  
  
Dongwan looks skeptical. 'Really? Funny, because that time you screwed up in the practice room, we could've cut the tension between you two with a knife.'  
  
Junjin groans a little. Trust Dongwan to bring up all the unwanted memories at all the wrong times. He wishes that he had just not brought Andy up at all.   
  
'Can we just have dinner?'  
  
This time, Dongwan looks a little apologetic. 'Yeah. I'm sorry about that, Jinnie. I didn't mean to push it...'  
  
Junjin wordlessly begins to eat, stuffing the cooked beef pieces into his mouth straight off the grill. They are a little burnt now, having been neglected during their talk.  
  
'I'm just worried about you two. We all are,' adds Dongwan, his voice very soft, before ending that conversation. Neither of them brings up the topic of Andy again for the rest of the night.  
  
As they leave the small restaurant later, Dongwan asks lightly, 'You're coming to Hyesung's place tomorrow, right?'  
  
'For what?' Junjin asks, puzzled. Tomorrow is Saturday and he does not remember having anything scheduled with Hyesung.  
  
The older man scrutinises him carefully. There is a hint of worry in his voice as he replies slowly, 'Minwoo and Eric were talking about throwing a get together for us tomorrow at Hyesung's. About a week ago, after our latest practice. To celebrate our album's success and tour beginning ... remember?'  
  
It takes a few moments, but the memory finally clicks into place. Junjin's face clears. 'Oh yeah ... that ...' He had entirely forgotten about the party they are supposed to have. He can remember why now: Eric had discussed that plan with them the very day Andy had invited Junjin over for dinner.   
  
And then everything else.  
  
The worry has spread from Dongwan's voice to his expression now. 'Choongjae, are you sure you're all right?'  
  
'Yeah, yeah,' he says quickly. 'It just ... I forgot. I had a lot on my mind.'  
  
The older man's eyes are still piercing through him. 'Clearly...'  
  
Junjin can guess what Dongwan must be thinking now. He flashes his hyung a practised smile, promises to meet up with them all at Hyesung's the next day, and quickly walks off down the pavement before Dongwan can ask him any more disconcerting questions.   
  
It is not until he is halfway to the bus stop that the true dilemma of tomorrow's gathering occurs to him:  
  
After nearly a solid week, he will come face-to-face with Andy again.  
  


~***~  
  


Junjin does, indeed, come face-to-face with Andy the next day.   
  
 _Literally_  face-to-face.  
  
Life's jokes on him are not even funny anymore.  
  
Hyesung had called him when he was nearly at the apartment block and complained over the phone how "the rest of these hopeless idiots" had forgotten to bring the most important thing for a party - beer. Junjin had internally face-palmed and asked whether Hyesung did not have any alcohol in the house - because really, who would want to turn around and go shopping right when they were almost at a party - but Hyesung had irritably reminded how he had only agreed to lend his place for their shenanigans under the condition that  _they_  get the food and drinks.   
  
'Besides, I only have a couple bottles of soju. And I already have my contribution of food here. Eric was supposed to bring the beer.'  
  
'Then make Eric hyung go -!' Junjin had barely finished retorting when, on the other side, Eric apparently wrestled the phone away from Hyesung. With disconcerting aegyo, the eldest of them began to beg Junjin to  _please_  go buy the beer for hyung, do hyung this favour just once, hyung will pay, but be back as soon as possible, hyung needs beer now~   
  
Junjin had stilled for a second, eyebrow cocked, then snapped his phone shut without bothering to reply and stomped off to find the nearest store. (Eric had probably downed Hyesung's soju bottles already to be doing that sort of skin-crawling cutesiness at his members.)  
  
If that was not irritating enough, Eric and Minwoo - both of them sounding already tipsy, figures - obnoxiously called him up  _thrice_  while he was at the store, and giggled manically over the phone at him to "furry the huck up, dood!"   
  
Junjin had figured that actually getting to Hyesung's with the beer as soon as possible would be an easier way of getting them both off his back rather than trying to endure their drunken bitching over the phone.   
  
And that is how he ends up running full pelt back to the apartment even with his arms full - ignoring more ringing of his phone - and hastily knocks at Hyesung's door with his foot.   
  
The door opens almost immediately and Junjin rushes to go inside, fully intending to throw the cans of beer at his hyungs' stupid faces - ten points to him if he can smack them on the forehead, twenty on the nose, and fifty on their giggling mouths - but he is struggling with the weight of the beer packs and his foot catches on the threshold. With an undignified yelp, Junjin falls over face first, right into the person that opened the door for him.  
  
Beer cans spill everywhere and all Junjin can register in the next few seconds are pain, the loss of breath from his lungs and a familiar pair of dark eyes boring into his own from mere inches away, mirroring his shock.  
  
And right then and there, Junjin decides that life has made him its eternal bitch.  
  


~***~  
  


Of course the rest of the idiots find the scene of Junjin sprawled all over Andy absolutely  _hilarious_.   
  
With a whoop of 'Dog pile!' Minwoo drunkenly launches himself directly on top of the two younger men, crushing them even closer together. In the background, the laughter from the rest grows even more boisterous.   
  
Junjin curses, or at least tries to; the sudden additional weight on him leaves him winded and he is hyperaware of the man underneath him. It is hard to avoid looking at Andy, especially not when Junjin is shy of two centimetres from accidentally kissing him (and that in itself is a taboo thought at the moment). Andy meets his eyes momentarily and then looks away, settling his gaze somewhere around Junjin's jawbone. Apart from the obvious pain and general discomfort of being the base of the impromptu human pile, his expression is hard to read.   
  
 _Isn't it always?_  
  
It is Hyesung who finally takes pity on them. Effectively preventing Dongwan and Eric from joining the pile by giving two swift jabs to their sides, he walks forward and hauls Minwoo off their youngest ones.   
  
'C'mon, let them breathe. Are you two hurt?' Concern creeps into his voice, taking over the previous amusement.  
  
Junjin allows himself one more second to look down at Andy, to feel him and taste his hot breath on the tip of his tongue. Till then, he has not even realised that Andy's hands had been on his sides the whole time, trying to keep his weight off. Junjin snatches himself away, trying to ignore the strange searing feeling inside him at the fact that Andy is still refusing to meet his eyes.  
  
'A little bit,' he answers Hyesung's question a couple of beats too late. 'But nothing big, I'm OK.'  
  
'Andy?' Hyesung prompts their maknae as he lends a hand to pull him up.  
  
Andy gets up with a wince. 'I just got rugby piled by two of our heaviest pigs, what do you think?' Despite his sardonic tone, he flashes a mocking grin at Hyesung and Minwoo.  
  
Eric and Dongwan almost collapse to the floor at his comment, and nearly end up howling when Minwoo lets out a high pitched screech of 'ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?!'.   
  
Hyesung, on the other hand, visibly relaxes. 'You're clearly not hurt, then,' He snorts. 'If you can still bully your hyungs in that state...'  
  
'Yah, yah, yah, he called me fat,' Minwoo complains, elbowing Hyesung out of the way. 'Are we seriously letting this go? Choongjae, come on, back me up here! He called you fat, too!'  
  
Junjin wordlessly kneels down to gather up the beers he dropped. It is grating on his nerves, how Andy is blatantly ignoring him and he is in no mood to humour Minwoo.   
  
'I got your beer,' he says flatly. On impulse, he chucks one of the cans at Eric and, to his surprise, it strikes him directly on his laughing mouth.   
  
Huh. Fifty points to Park Choongjae.   
  
'Yah, what did you do that for?!'  
  
The beginnings of a smile form on his face and Junjin throws another can at Minwoo who scrambles to catch it before it smacks him as well. With a chuckle, he drawls at Eric, 'Pay up, hyung. You were supposed to buy this shit.'  
  
Still arguing and bickering, they all pick up the cans of beer Junjin dropped and carry them inside to the living room, where Dongwan has already set up the TV and video games. The whole time, Junjin follows the movements of their youngest member out of the corner of his eyes; there is still no acknowledgement whatsoever from him.  
  
He sighs to himself. This will be a long night and he can see no end to his frustrations or answers to his questions.  
  


~***~  
  


A Shinhwa party often goes something like this:   
  
Singing old songs, drinking, video games, making fun of your fellow members, random dance offs, drinking, spontaneous wrestling (usually kick-started by Dongwan or Minwoo), singing more songs, video game competitions to see who can kick Eric and Andy's asses (no one can, mostly), reminiscing about old times (and hence more teasing and chucking of cushions at each other) and drinking.  
  
Not necessarily in that order.  
  
Nor limited to just those mentioned above.  
  
They are rambunctious and loud and, of course, at some point, true hunger kicks in and the heaps of junk food they have already consumed do nothing to satiate it. This is the point where the pestering starts.  
  
' _Please,_  Andy-yah,' Dongwan looks pleadingly at the younger man, trying his best to bring out the kicked puppy face and failing horrifically at it. Being drunk off his ass is not helping his case, either. 'Just a little bit? Please?'  
  
'No,' Andy deadpans. He is one of the few, along with Hyesung and Junjin, who is still relatively sober. Hyesung, because he did not drink much to ensure that they do not trash his house (too much), and Andy and Junjin because they are still better than their hyungs at holding their liquor.   
  
'Why not?' Minwoo grumbles. 'I'm seriously hungry.'  
  
'Because I came to enjoy a party, not be a bloody chef. And we've already had food.'  
  
'That was hours ago!' Dongwan is still trying to use aegyo, struggling to make cutsey faces at the maknae. Junjin, sitting on an armchair opposite him, wishes he would stop, though it is kind of funny. Funny as in that-face-will-later-come-to-haunt-you-in-your-nightmares funny.  
  
'Hyung, you can cook, too. Why don't you cook something for us if you're that hungry?'  
  
'My cooking does not taste half as good as yours,' Dongwan replies obstinately. He is no longer even paying attention to the video game he was playing with Eric, despite that fact that Eric's character is currently beating him to a pulp on the TV screen.  
  
'Then let's just order something.'  
  
'That's gonna take so long~ I need food now~'  
  
The pestering goes on back and forth for a few more rounds before Hyesung finally loses patience and gets up. 'Ugh, enough already! Just shut up. I'll go and make some ramyun for us.'  
  
There is silence for a moment - even Eric puts down his controller and whirls around to gape at Hyesung - before everyone reacts to this announcement as one:  
  
'NO!'  
  
Hyesung's jaw drops. 'What, what? It's just ramyun!'  
  
Again, 'NO!'  
  
'Get your ass back down!' adds Minwoo and bodily yanks Hyesung back to his seat.  
  
'What the hell!' Hyesung's eyes widen when Andy quickly gets up and mutters in a resigned voice,  
  
'Fine, guess I'll have to cook it, then.'  
  
'What - seriously? You all hate my cooking this much?' The effeminate man looks torn between hurt and offended. 'Like, Andy is willing to cook as long as it prevents me from doing it?'  
  
Andy hurries to soothe him. 'No, no, it's just ...' He looks around for support, wondering how to phrase what everyone else is thinking. 'Hyung, it's just that ... you get a little ... carried away.'  
  
Hyesung looks confused for a moment. Then his eyes narrow. 'Is this about the sesame oil?'  
  
'And the sesame seeds,' Minwoo pipes up helpfully.  
  
'You tend to go a little overboard with the sesame, hyung,' Andy says as gently as he can, putting a kind smile on his face.  
  
'Yeah.' Junjin nods, deciding to help out his members with the task of calming down their can't-cook-for-shit mother figure. 'What we're trying to say, hyung, is that you can take it easy and just chill. We've already invaded your home today.'  
  
'And we don't want to pay the price for that by choking on seeds or drowning in oil,' adds Eric tactlessly. Junjin has to bite down on his tongue. He can almost hear Andy mentally face palming.  
  
'It's  _ramyun_!' Hyesung bursts out, glaring at Eric. 'I can make freaking ramyun without using sesame!'  
  
Eric gives him a look. 'No, you can't,' he states flatly.  
  
Hyesung looks ready to explode, but then deflates. '...no, I can't.'  
  
Eric turns back to his game, having made his point. Dongwan and Minwoo slowly begin to laugh (after making sure that the Hyesung time-bomb has been defused).   
  
'OK then. So Andy will cook,' says the latter. He grins hugely. 'Wow, guys, I wish I could say we actually had this all planned out, I would be so proud. We got Andy to make food for us!'  
  
Andy kicks Minwoo on the way to the kitchen. 'Ow!'  
  
Junjin leans back in his chair, watching the scene unfold in front of him with a small smile. Honestly, if he lets himself forget everything that has happened in the past few months, he can actually fool himself into thinking that everything right now is totally normal. He is so used to this, seeing the way they pick on each other, bully each other, and have fun together. How the older ones try to tease and manipulate their beloved maknae, and how Andy retaliates in that unique way of his, blending kindness with vengeance. For a moment, he can almost believe that nothing has changed between them.  
  
But then he remembers that, even just now, he himself had not been a part of that normalcy. Not really. Junjin had been the bystander, simply observing from the sidelines while Andy and the rest of Shinhwa were being themselves ... while Andy was being himself with the Shinhwa that no longer included Junjin...   
  
Not for Andy, anyway.  
  
He did not even look at him.  
  
Junjin remains frozen for several seconds, suddenly overwhelmed with all the thoughts he has been trying to keep controlled, the feelings he has kept bottled ... but not anymore. He is exhausted with the effort of it. And he is angry ... but not at himself.  
  
It surprises him, but for the first time, he realises that his anger right now is directed towards the one person he never thought he would be angry at over this.  
  
Junjin turns his head and looks at the open door of the kitchen. He can hear Andy inside, the sounds of pots and the crinkle of ramyun packets. It takes all his willpower not to go storming in after him. They are in Hyesung's house; it would not do to create a scene here. This is something they need to deal with privately.  
  
However, that still does not mean they should not even acknowledge each other, Junjin thinks bitterly to himself when Andy brings out the ramyun pot several minutes later and completely ignores his existence even when Junjin takes the pains to firmly sit right next to Andy. While the other members happily gather around and begin helping themselves to the food, Junjin turns and deliberately stares at Andy, fueling his anger and frustration through his eyes, daring - almost pleading - Andy to look back at him even just once.   
  
Just one look - one sign that things between them can still be OK.  
  
Andy can tell what he is doing, Junjin knows. He can see how Andy's shoulders tense, how his grip tightens on his chopsticks, and how his eyes  _almost_  dart at Junjin but Andy does not allow himself to give into the instinct. He can hear Andy's breath hitching softly in his throat when Junjin leans over him, too close for comfort, to get at some of the kimchi Hyesung brought from his fridge. He can see Andy's back stiffen when their elbows and arms brush together every so often while they eat.   
  
Andy bloody well knows and he is doing everything in his power to pretend he does not.  
  
Junjin has never felt so angry with the younger man before.  
  
The rest of his friends are full of praises for Andy's marvellous (sesame-lacking) cooking. Junjin alone loses his appetite.  
  


~***~  
  


Deep into Sunday morning, the members finally begin to discuss sleeping arrangements - but before that, a more important decision needed to be made. The task of who gets to wash the pot and dishes is decided - in true Shinhwa style - with a game of rock-paper-scissors.  
  
Two minutes later, poor Andy finds himself standing in front of an overflowing sink while his hyungs roll around the sitting room floor, guffawing outrageously at his sad fate.  
  
As expected, the kitchen is soon filled with angry yells from the maknae, complaining about how he should not have to do the dishes when he freaking  _cooked_  for them. Minwoo replies to this with a singsong, 'Nobody told  _you_  to participate in the rock-paper game, idiot! But you did, and you lost. Suck it up.'  
  
The obscene swearing from the kitchen goes down in volume, but continues in a long low stream. Still chortling, the rest of the members go back to discussing sleeping arrangements.   
  
'I have a couple of futons,' Hyesung is saying. 'Minwoo, Dongwan, Jin and Andy can share them in the sitting room.'  
  
'What about me?' demands Eric.  
  
'You live right next door,' Hyesung drawls airily. 'Go home to your own bed and sleep.'  
  
Junjin snorts to himself and steps back to watch the inevitable argument. And sure enough,  
  
'The hell, you're kicking me out?'  
  
'I only have two futons! If you want to sleep on the sofa, then by all means -'  
  
'I have a better idea, why don't I sleep in your bed instead?'  
  
'Excuse you, Mun Junghyuk, that is  _my_  bed!'  
  
'I never said I'd sleep on your bed by myself. It's freaking king-sized.'  
  
Hyesung sputters. 'Wha- you - ugh, no way! No. Way. I'm not letting you sleep with me. You're a creep. No fucking way.'  
  
'You'd let Junjin or Minwoo or And-'  
  
'They're not creepy like you. Ugh, don't even think abou - YAH, KIM DONGWAN, GET OUT OF MY ROOM!'  
  
Junjin and Minwoo burst out laughing as Eric and Hyesung give chase to Dongwan who has taken the opportunity to bag Hyesung's bed for himself.   
  
'Yeah, they're not coming out of there anytime soon,' Minwoo grins.  
  
Junjin raises an eyebrow. 'I bet you fifty grand that Hyesung hyung kicks out both of them.'  
  
Minwoo grins. 'I'll take that bet. Eric and Dongwan can be ridiculously persuasive. That bed of Pilkyo's is huge. I bet they'd squeeze in somehow.'  
  
Junjin chuckles. 'It's been years since we slept like that, all of us together.'  
  
'Yeah,' Minwoo says with a look of nostalgia that disappears in three seconds. 'But I'm too damn tired tonight. No way I'm sharing with anyone. I'm taking that futon for myself.' And he goes to do just that.  
  
It takes a moment for Junjin to realise what that means. His jaw drops. 'Wait, hyung! Wait, I ...'  
  
Minwoo grins wolfishly at him as he makes his way to the guest bathroom. 'If you don't wanna share the second futon with Andy, then take it for yourself before he finishes up in the kitchen, Jinnie. He can take the sofa.'  
  
Junjin is still troubled several minutes later, after Minwoo has crashed in his futon at one end of the sitting room. There is no way in hell he is going to share a damn futon with Andy - not with how they are now, anyway. But he knows all too well Andy should not sleep on the sofa, either. Sofas are not good for your back - and Andy already has enough of those problems.   
  
It is while he is lost in these thoughts that he realises the apartment has fallen silent. Apart from the sound of Andy still cleaning up in the kitchen, there is nothing else to be heard. Minwoo is asleep, and judging from the silence in Hyesung's room, they are asleep by now as well (damn, he has to give fifty thousand won to Minwoo in the morning now). It then occurs to him that this is the only private moment he can have with Andy anytime soon. With the way Andy has been acting all night, he obviously will not approach Junjin or give him a chance to go to Andy after this weekend is over.   
  
Junjin cannot allow that. He has been wrecked with fear and uncertainty for too long. He cannot live like this anymore. He needs to know.  
  


~***~  
  


Andy has stopped cursing by the time Junjin enters the kitchen, but it is still with a kind of vengeance that he wipes the sponge zealously over the plates in the sink. There are only a few left.  
  
His back is turned to Junjin and he does not realise he has company until Junjin softly says his name.  
  
Andy nearly drops the plate.  
  
His back is ramrod straight and his eyes guarded when he turns around to face the other man. Very carefully, he puts down the plate on the counter beside him.   
  
'What are you doing here? I'm fine, I don't need help-'  
  
'We need to talk, Sunho.' Junjin uses his real name, slow and deliberate on his tongue, and heavy with implication. Andy falters.  
  
'It's late, go to sleep,' he mumbles, turning back to the sink. 'We have our last rehearsals starting up soon before the tour, you need to rest -'  
  
'Didn't you hear me?' Junjin strides forward and, with a hand on the shoulder, spins Andy around. 'We need to talk. Really talk.'  
  
Andy shakes free, avoiding his eyes again. His lips are pressed tight in a thin line. 'Not now, I'm tired.' And, to Junjin's disbelief, he drops the sponge back in the sink and begins to walk out of the kitchen.  
  
Junjin cannot stop himself. 'You're so full of shit, you know that!'  
  
Andy stops dead.  
  
'What was it that you said to me? You wanted things to go back to the way they were? You wanted us to act normal with each other? You made me promise I wouldn't push you away again!'  
  
Andy remains frozen in place. With a snarl, Junjin begins pacing back and forth. 'You're such a fucking hypocrite, Lee Sunho! You said all those things and yet, tonight you're the one who did the exact opposite to me. Why? Is it because of that fucking kiss? The kiss that  _you_  started?' His voice increases in volume, his eyes growing more agitated. 'What point were you trying to make to me? What am I supposed to think? Whatever message you're trying to drill into me, look me in the eyes and say it to my face-'  
  
He stops talking when Andy turns to face him, the furious fire inside suddenly dying out. Junjin stares at Andy, at the dark hollow eyes gazing into his own and the slight tremble of his lips. Even now, he cannot read Andy, but the sight shocks him because he has never seen Andy looking so conflicted, so torn between emotions and lost for words. His hands, hanging loosely by his sides, are shaking.  
  
'Andy...' Junjin whispers, unaware of the worry that tinges his voice.   
  
Andy exhales shakily, but this time, he does not look away from Junjin. It takes several seconds, but finally he speaks, a worrying tremor to his voice, 'I'm sorry, Jin...'  
  
Junjin takes a step forward, the anxiety growing within him. 'Andy ... please, just ... talk to me. I want to understand...'  
  
With a shake of the head, Andy steps away from him again. 'How can I make you understand? I don't understand myself in the first place.'  
  
'Understand what?' Junjin keeps on advancing, afraid that Andy keeps backing away; it feels like a physical foreshadowing of Junjin about to lose this man, this precious friend of his, forever. He cannot, will not, let that happen. 'Andy, please stop. Stay ... stay and talk to me.'  
  
'I don't know!' Andy bursts out. 'I don't know myself. I don't understand anything. I'm confused and with you, I'm even more lost.'  
  
'Is this about that night?' Junjin asks desperately. From the stricken look on Andy's face, he knows he hit the jackpot. 'It is, isn't it? Andy ... Sunho ... please. It - it doesn't have to mean anything. You don't have to think about it. It was just an experiment -' He is rambling now, saying whatever came to mind, anything - just to keep Andy with him. His heart is pounding in his chest now, filled with the terror that this friendship is lost. 'Just forget about what happened that night, you don't have to feel weird because of that. It doesn't mean anything. I told you I want you as my friend, that's all I want, nothing more...'  
  
Andy's back hits the wall and Junjin takes the chance to grasp his shoulders, afraid that he may run away. He carefully keeps Andy at arm’s length as far away as possible, understanding how much discomfort the situation must be causing him; but he cannot let go.   
  
Because if he lets go now ... he does not think there will be anything left to save. It will all disappear.  
  
Andy has dropped his gaze and Junjin repeats his last words, 'I want you as my friend, Andy. That's all I beg of you. I promised you last time that I won't burden you with any of my feeli - with anything else, except our friendship. I don't want us to lose what we have... please...'  
  
The younger man finally looks up and it seems to Junjin that his eyes bore a hole through his into Junjin's very soul. Junjin whispers one last time, almost broken, 'That night doesn't mean anything ... not a thing...'  
  
Andy raises his chin. The look in his eyes has changed; it takes the other man aback. 'That kiss really meant nothing to you...?' He asks quietly and his voice is suddenly lower, deeper. The sound of it chills Junjin's blood.   
  
He does not see it coming. Andy's hands are suddenly in his hair, pulling him down and his mind goes blank as, once more, he finds himself driven to the brink of his own undoing by Andy's lips covering his own. Faster than he can process, Andy spins them around so that Junjin is trapped against the wall. He can feel their hearts beating a wild rhythm together as Andy parts Junjin's lips with his own, with a fierceness that was not there the first time they had done this.   
  
Junjin's knees almost buckle when Andy forces his tongue inside his mouth. There is an unexpected desperation in the way Andy kisses him tonight, sucking and biting until Junjin thinks he may die from the pleasure; and his lips and tongue are demanding as he ravages Junjin's mouth - demanding a response, one that Junjin gives. Just like that night in the car, he finds himself pulling Andy close, pressing himself against the other man and kissing him with a sensual passion that rivals Andy's.   
  
It is short this time around. Andy pulls away, freeing his bottom lip from the trap of Junjin's teeth and Junjin makes a soft mewl of disappointment at the loss of contact. Andy remains pressed against him, his heavy breathing washing over Junjin's aching lips, and he gazes up at the taller man with those dark eyes of his and asks lowly,  
  
'Did that really mean nothing?'  
  
And suddenly Junjin remembers where they are and why they are here and he does not know how to answer. Andy's eyes are a mixture of unreadable emotions, but he does not look away and Junjin trembles a little under the heavy gaze.  
  
'It doesn't have to mean anything,' he finally mumbles. The words sound ridiculous to his own ears, especially after what has just happened; after he has felt the raw searching passion and desperation behind Andy's unexpected kiss.   
  
'It doesn't have to...?' Andy repeats dully.  
  
'Not if you don't want it to.' Somehow, speaking those words hurt his heart, but they are true. He still remembers the promise he made Andy, that he will never push his feelings onto him. That all he wants them to be are friends, just like they used to be. 'Nothing has to change...'  
  
Andy looks up at him, and the look on his face is the same one Junjin saw minutes earlier: the conflicted, haunted eyes, torn every which way by feelings he cannot name.  
  
'But that's the problem, Choongjae,' Andy whispers. His name sends a shiver through Junjin. 'That's the thing that I don't understand, the thing I've been trying to figure out for the past week...'  
  
'What are you saying?' Junjin is almost afraid to know the answer.  
  
Andy's mouth tightens. 'Something changed, Choongjae.'  
  
Junjin is shocked into silence.  
  
'Something changed that night. It ... I don't know. Somehow, it does mean something ... to me.'  
  
Junjin drops his arms from around Andy. His heart seems to have completely stopped. He does not know what to think and he just stares at the man in front of him; this conflicted, confused man that is tearing him apart with fear and hope.   
  
'And ... what are you going to do?'  
  
There is silence for a long minute. And then, 'I ... I don't know ... I still don't understand, I'm so confused. But...'  
  
 _But?_  
  
'... Choongjae ... I - I think I want to ... to ... try it again ... with you...'


	7. Blurred Boundaries

_'... Choongjae ... I - I think I want to ... to ... try it again ... with you...'_  
  
The words seem to echo off the kitchen walls and through his ears until they reverberate inside him, like a rumble in his chest. The pace of his heart adjusts to it, increasing, growing frantic.  
  
Or maybe that is only because Andy is still there, pressing lightly against Junjin and keeping him trapped against the wall. His cheeks are flushed from the embarrassment of what he had just done and said, but his gaze is steady and intense. Junjin can see Andy's apprehension, though, as he waits for an answer.   
  
An answer that Junjin cannot give right now.   
  
When words continue to fail him, Andy finally speaks. His voice is low, almost timid. 'Well? Say something.'  
  
Junjin lowers his eyes. 'I ... I don't ... What am I supposed to say...?'  
  
Andy frowns at his response, and his hands, still holding Junjin firmly, tighten their grip. 'I don't know ... Just ... how do you feel about it?'  
  
Junjin cannot meet his eyes. He can feel the rhythm of Andy's heart beating against his own chest, and he is still there, not moving away. It is suffocating, almost.   
  
'Choongjae.'  
  
'I don't know, I'm just confused,' he finally says. 'What do you mean, you want to "try again"?' He can feel his face colouring. He swallows. 'Try another experiment or ...?'   
  
Andy's mortification is also rising, but he does not look away. 'No, no more experiments,' he replies, soft and serious.  
  
That left only one other option and Junjin cannot bring himself to even consider it, much less actually believe it.   
  
'Surely you're not saying that - !' he begins, shocked.   
  
'Why, you don't want to?' Andy cuts him off quietly.  
  
That silences him again, because all this time, deep down inside, he  _has_  wanted to, hasn't he? It is that sinful desire that has tormented him for months, giving him sleepless nights and sabotaging their friendship.  
  
'Do you?' Junjin shoots back, looking back at Andy at last. 'Do you honestly want to?'  
  
'I ... I think I want to...'  
  
'You  _think_?'  
  
Andy finally takes a step away from him, dropping his hands from Junjin's shoulders. 'Look, this is hard for me, too. These past few days felt like a mental breakdown. I couldn't figure out what I wanted, or what I should say to you. I avoided you and you have every right to be angry with me. But now I'm finally saying that - '  
  
'That you  _think_  you want to try having a relationship with me,' Junjin says flatly.   
  
Something flickers in Andy's eyes, but he refuses to back down. 'Yes. Yes, I  _think_  I want that, Jin. I -'  
  
'Don't tell me anything you're not a hundred percent sure of,' Junjin interrupts again, his voice growing acerbic. 'The last thing I want is you getting into something with me that you'll regret later. Don't say something you don't mean, just out of pity for my one-sided feelings.'  
  
'Pity?' Andy hisses the word like it is poison. The look that crosses his face then is similar to the time he confronted Junjin in the practice room, right before Junjin had accidentally revealed his feelings. 'You actually think I'd say something so serious without meaning it just out of  _pity_?'  
  
'What else is it then?' Junjin snaps, his temper growing thin. 'I've never pressured you! The only thing I've ever asked is for us to remain friends. So why are you suddenly making some half-assed decision that you "think" you want to be with me?'  
  
'Oh, I don't know, Jin, maybe because I  _do_  think I want to be with you?'  
  
Junjin wants to scream. Andy's words are just cutting deeper and deeper into him.   
  
'And what makes you "think" that is what you really want?' Junjin demands, his voice cutting. The line between anger and hurt is blurring for him. 'You don't have feelings for me, Sunho! You never did.'  
  
Andy's irritation suddenly clears at his last words. 'So is that really the problem here? You can't believe I would ever like you, so you think I'm now  _lying_  to you about wanting this?'  
  
Before Junjin can reply, Andy steps close to him again, almost touching him. 'Forget about me for a moment, Jin, and tell me how you feel. Do  _you_  really not want this?'  
  
Junjin looks down at Andy, who is way too close, and feels his breath catch in his throat. He forces out the answer, 'I don't.'   
  
'Liar.'  
  
'I only want us to be friends.'  
  
'You're fucking lying to me.'  
  
'I'm not.' Junjin swallows, tilting his face slightly away from the other man. 'Ever since I ... this thing started, the one thing I was afraid of was losing you as my friend. That's all I want, for us to be the way we were.'  
  
Andy stares into his eyes, calculating. 'I do believe you want us to be friends, Jin,' he finally says slowly. 'But I don't believe that's the  _only_  thing you want us to be.'  
  
Junjin grits his teeth. 'Andy ... don't.'  
  
'Tell me the truth. Have you ever wanted more?'  
  
'It's wrong to want more. It goes against everything I've ever - '  
  
'For once, just stop  _thinking_  and answer me, Choongjae! Did you ever want to have something more with me?'  
  
Silence falls, so heavy that Junjin can hear the pounding of his own heart against his ears. Somewhere outside the kitchen, the gentle  _tick tock_  of a wall clock rings in the depths of the apartment. And then,  
  
'Yes...' The whispered word sounds like a shout echoing off a mountain, so loud in the absolute stillness.   
  
Andy stares up at him. His eyes gleam and he slowly begins to raise a hand.   
  
'I did, once.'  
  
Andy stills.   
  
Junjin exhales slowly. 'But I buried all that down. I know my limits, how far I'm willing to go. I don't intend to cross that boundary.'  
  
Andy drops his hand. 'I see...' His voice is low, almost cool. His face has closed off, making his thoughts impossible to read once more, but he still does not back away from Junjin. 'I have one question, though. This past week, after what happened in the car - what kind of answer were you expecting to hear from me?'  
  
Junjin is taken aback. 'What? What does that mean?'  
  
Andy narrows his eyes. 'I mean, what did you hope I would finally say after that kiss? That I liked it? Or hated it? Or I would just come back and say  _let's continue to be friends_  or something?'  
  
It should not surprise him so much after fifteen years, but in this situation, Andy's brutal frankness leaves him dumbstruck. It also then strikes Junjin that Andy does have a point, only ... he realises he does not know the answer himself. What  _did_  he really expect Andy to say after that episode? He had not dared to imagine what Andy actually felt about that bloody "experiment".   
  
'I can't really say...' Junjin mutters, frowning. 'I guess ... I don't know, I think that ... I just really wanted things to be normal between us.'  
  
'Even after that?'  
  
'Especially after that.'  
  
'Hm.' Pursing his lips, Andy regards Junjin with shrewd eyes. His next question sends Junjin reeling. 'But what if I'm not so sure things can be normal between us again, Jin? What then?'  
  
'Andy...'  
  
'You don't want me to say anything I'm not absolutely sure of, right? Fine. Then I won't, for now. But what I said earlier tonight, Jin, I meant it. Something  _has_  changed between us.' Andy's mouth tightens. 'And I can't fix it. I'm not sure I want to, either.'  
  
'Andy, I ...!'  
  
'When I'm absolutely sure about that, I'll let you know. Will you give me a proper answer then?' Andy gives him an unreadable look and Junjin just stares back, speechless. 'Or are you going to hide behind your  _boundary_  again?'  
  
Unable to speak, Junjin drops his gaze. How has it come to this? He had followed Andy inside the kitchen to demand acknowledgement, to call out on his hypocrisy. How has he ended up in this mess, trapped (in more ways than one) by Lee Sunho, whose own indecisiveness about what  _he_  truly wants is now stirring Junjin's own turmoil?  
  
It shakes him to the core to consider what the other man is implying: Andy Lee may be possibly feeling the same way towards him, Junjin? He can barely conceive of it! And yet, Andy is saying exactly that and, in the process, fanning Junjin's hopes. Hopes that Junjin has forcefully buried because, in the end, it is still  _wrong_ , these feelings. He should not want Andy like this, his brother, his friend...  
  
But the possibility that maybe, just maybe, Andy has started to want him the same way as well...  
  
Junjin inwardly shakes himself back to his senses. It does not matter what either of them feels. They can never be ... they should not be.  
  
'We should go to sleep,' he finally mutters, signalling the end of their conversation.  
  
Andy's eyes seem to be boring right through him. 'You can't keep running away from this all the time, you know...'  
  
'It's very late.'   
  
They glare at each other stubbornly, neither willing to give in easily. Junjin has had enough, however. Andy still has not stepped far enough back for Junjin to leave, but the latter strides forward, lightly pushing the younger man aside. Before he has taken more than two steps, however -  
  
'You know what I realised about you, though, Jin?'  
  
Junjin almost keeps on walking, but Andy's tone gives him pause. Later, he will spend the rest of the night wishing he had just walked away when he had the chance.  
  
Andy surprises him by pulling him close by the wrists. The kiss this time is so gentle and earnest that Junjin finds himself responding before he realises it. Andy's grip tightens around his wrists and he presses their lips together more firmly before pulling away. He looks up at Junjin with dark, thoughtful eyes as the latter struggles to compute what just happened.   
  
'I ... you ... '  
  
'That's what I realised.'  
  
'What?' stammers Junjin, still shaken.  
  
'You still don't get it?' Andy's fingers dig into Junjin's wrists. His fingers are right over Junjin's racing pulses, reading the frantic message of his heart.  
  
It takes a moment for Junjin to realise he has been betrayed by his own body.  
  
The twist of Andy's mouth cannot be called a smile, but his eyes lighten just a notch as he says, almost whispers, 'You keep saying no over and over, but all this time, Choongjae - in the car, earlier tonight, even here right now - you have never actually denied me.'  
  
Andy drops his wrists and finally backs away. 'Just something for you to think over.' With that, he leaves the kitchen, throwing one last glance back at Junjin who is rooted to the spot.  
  
Junjin stays like that, face blank but thoughts in chaos, for a long time. His ears ring with Andy's words and his mind recoils from the truth in them, but there is no escaping it. Junjin has, indeed, revealed the dark desires of his heart through his actions without even realising it, while out loud he has been trying to mask it all. Yet Andy has seen right through the whole thing.   
  
Andy always does, somehow.  
  
When Junjin finally walks out of the kitchen, he finds Andy curled up in the second futon Hyesung laid out for them, right beside the sofa. Andy is lying in one side of it, leaving a significant amount of empty space beside him; an unmistakable invitation.  
  
Junjin walks right past him to the other side of the room and squeezes into Minwoo's futon, kicking and pushing his hyung to make some space for himself. Minwoo groans, mumbles something inaudible under his breath, and flings an arm around Junjin's waist to snuggle against him. Junjin lets him and looks blankly up at the ceiling, pretending he cannot feel the weight of Andy's accusatory eyes on him.  
  


~***~  
  


Junjin wakes up in the morning to absolute anarchy.  
  
'FIFTY THOUSAND WON! WOO HOO! FIFTY THOUS- !'  
  
'HOW CAN YOU  _DROOL_  ON MY BED, YOU BASTARDS?!'  
  
'PAY UP, CHOONGJAE! FIFTY GRAND ALRIGHT!'  
  
'I SLEEP ON THOSE SHEETS YOU KNO-!'  
  
'HAH, I KNEW ERIC AND DONGWAN WOULD NOT LET GO OF YOUR GIANT BED, PILKYO! AHAHAHA!'  
  
'I WOULD'VE BEEN MORE OK WITH IT IF THEY DIDN'T DROOL ON MY BED - YAH, STOP THAT,  _STOP HUMPING ON MY BED_!!'  
  
'CAMERA~! WHERE'S THE CAMERA?'  
  
'YOU GUYS ARE SO GROSS -!!'  
  
'WHERE'S MY PHONE?! I NEED THIS MOMENT RECORDED FOR FUTURE BLACKMAIL!'  
  
'WHY AM I EVEN FRIENDS WITH YOU!'  
  
It seems to take forever for Junjin's shock and disorientation from the outrageous wake up call to fade away, but at last he is able to free himself from his futon to find out the causes for all the shouting:  
  
One: Minwoo had woken up in the morning to discover that Dongwan and Eric had, indeed, spent the night in Hyesung's bed, thus winning him his bet with Junjin.  
  
Two: Hyesung had woken up to discover both Eric and Dongwan drooling copiously on his sheets.  
  
Three: Eric, unhappy with Hyesung's loud wake up call, had proceeded to annoy him further by promptly draping himself on top of Dongwan (who happened to be lying on his stomach) and grinding rather suggestively on him.  
  
Four: Dongwan, the only one who always knows how to get back at Eric's touchy-feely antics, had aggressively arched his butt back against the other's rather prominent morning erection, causing not only Eric to throw himself off Dongwan (and onto the floor), but Hyesung's voice to increase a few hundred hertz in pitch.  
  
And five: Minwoo, the happy witness, had speedily recorded the whole incident for future ominous reasons.  
  
Junjin is torn between joining in Minwoo's hysterical laughter and diving back into his futon again (because, there is no way it is  _not_  too early in the morning for this) but his attention is soon drawn away from his rambunctious hyungs. Andy, he notices for the first time, is leisurely leaning against the wall by Hyesung's bedroom door, a mug of coffee in hand and an amused grin on his lips.   
  
Unwelcome memories of the previous night come, unbidden, to the front of his mind and Junjin swallows. Right, forget about the fifty grand he owes Minwoo, he has  _that_  mess to sought out, too. As if hearing his thoughts, Andy's eyes rove over to Junjin and the latter quickly looks back at the scene of Eric yelling at Dongwan for being a pervert. Why does it seem like his problems are determined to keep digging an ever deepening hole straight to hell?  
  
'So, when do I get my money?' Minwoo sidles up to Junjin with a shit-eating grin and elbows him lightly. He glances over at Eric, who is now mock-threatening to sue Dongwan for sexual harassment.  
  
'I haven't even brushed my teeth yet, hyung,' replies Junjin with a roll of his eyes, mildly distracted by Hyesung's bedroom drama. Dongwan still has not moved from his comfortable position, ignoring Eric and Hyesung both.  
  
'Personal hygiene has nothing to do with following up on bets,' says Minwoo lightly. He snorts with laughter as Eric hits Dongwan with a pillow none too gently.  
  
'You're such a prat sometimes, Minwoo hyung,' returns Junjin, watching Dongwan finally roll over to glare at Eric and clearly enunciate an accusatory sentence containing the phrases "sexually harassed first", "your penis" and "my ass", in that order.  
  
'D'you have any idea how many people would've escaped with my money if I weren't a persistent prat in the first place? Why is Eric getting worked up anyway? Dongwannie made a legit point.'  
  
Junjin lets out a cackle as Hyesung finally loses his patience - what was left of it anyway - and rips the sheet off the bed, causing Dongwan to slide off onto the floor. Eric laughs at his fate, only to have a bedroom slipper strike his mouth next second. Huffing, Dongwan gets up and turns to Minwoo, Junjin and Andy standing in the doorway.  
  
'If this gets to court, you guys are my witnesses that Eric Mun humped me first. I acted in self defence against rape.'  
  
'I think humping back counts as giving consent, hyung,' Andy tells him with a straight face, sipping his coffee. Junjin sniggers loudly and Andy's eyes turn to him.  
  
Minwoo just slings an arm around Junjin's waist and grins at Dongwan. 'I couldn't care less how you two screw each other, as long as I get my fifty grand from Jin.'  
  
Junjin groans. 'You do realise fifty thousand won barely amounts to fifty US dollars?'  
  
'You two were betting whether I would hump Dongwan in Hyesung's bed?' demands Eric, looking rather offended as he walks over. 'I wouldn't screw him if he were the last woman on Earth and we had to continue the human race.'  
  
'Uh huh, that's exactly the message your penis was giving me five minutes ago,' says Dongwan, smirking smugly at the look on Eric's face.  
  
Hyesung throws up his arms. 'This is the last time I let you guys drink over at my place. Why do you become perverted trolls the morning after, instead of moving onto hangovers like normal people?'  
  
Everyone bursts out laughing at this, except Eric who turns to Hyesung with a provocative smile and drawls, 'We can drink over at my place next time. You can sleep with me, then.'  
  
Hyesung literally kicks Eric out of his room. Dongwan follows him out, laughing at the sight of Eric scowling and rubbing his behind.  
  
'You know this morning is the best thing I have woken up to in years?' Minwoo says cheerfully as they follow the two of them to the sitting room. Within seconds, Eric and Dongwan are verbally fighting over who gets to use the guest bathroom first.  
  
'That's only 'cause you're getting money out of it, Minwoo hyung,' retorts Junjin, bumping their shoulders together good naturedly. 'I, personally, could've done with a few more hours of sleep. It's way too early for this.'  
  
'It's nearly noon, Jinnie.' Minwoo collapses into an armchair and stretches luxuriously.  
  
'Really?' Junjin whirls around to stare at the wall clock. 'Huh ... it doesn't feel like it.'  
  
'Didn't you sleep well last night?' Andy speaks to Junjin for the first time that morning. Taking a seat on the sofa, he gives Junjin a look heavy with implication.   
  
Junjin blanches a little.   
  
'Speaking of which, the hell did you climb into my futon for? I told you I wanted to sleep alone,' Minwoo complains. Ignoring Eric and Dongwan's squabble that is getting louder by the second, he gives Junjin a genuinely curious look. 'I thought you were taking the futon for yourself anyway. Or sharing with Andy?'  
  
The man in question takes that moment to say coolly, 'I did leave some space for him. Perhaps he didn't see it.'  
  
Frustration and shame clash and mix in Junjin's gut, making him slightly nauseous. He can understand Andy's indignation, but does he really have to bring this up in company?  
  
'No, I saw it.' Junjin meets Andy's gaze squarely before turning to smirk at Minwoo. 'I crawled into yours purely for the reason you didn't want me there.' He carefully avoids looking at Andy, really having no desire to analyse how he feels about Junjin's obvious lie.  
  
Minwoo crocks an eyebrow at him. 'And you call  _me_  a prat?'  
  
'Where do you think I'm getting influenced from?'  
  
'You're such a brat.'  
  
'You just rhymed yourself.'  
  
Their exchange is interrupted by the raised petulant voices of Eric and Dongwan from the bathroom door. Minwoo sighs and finally yells at them, 'I'm starting to agree with Hyesung about your weird morning-after-drinking behaviour. You idjits do realise you can both use the bathroom together, right?'  
  
Grumbling, Eric and Dongwan elbow each other inside.  
  
Before the door closes, Minwoo loudly sings after them, 'Just don't get each other pregnant in there.'  
  
He ducks as Hyesung's expensive bottle of hair conditioner comes flying at his face in all its fluorescent orange glory. It bounces off the wall behind him and thwacks him on his crown anyway.  
  
'You asked for it,' says Andy dryly as Minwoo begins to curse under his breath.  
  
Rubbing the abused spot on his head, he gets up, grumbling about getting himself some coffee and walks off to the kitchen, leaving Junjin and Andy alone together. The tension in the atmosphere, previously dimmed to a low hum, immediately surfaces, crackling between them. Junjin considers going to get coffee himself, but Andy is looking right at him and he does not want to pull off such a blatantly cowardly act. As it is, Junjin has already displaced so many of his weaknesses to Andy already; he has run away so many times and he does not want to do it again right now. Not after last night.  
  
Andy pats the seat next to him. 'Why are you standing? Sit down.'  
  
It takes all of Junjin's willpower to actually sit down on the sofa instead of making for Minwoo's abandoned armchair. Still, he leaves a polite amount of distance between them.  
  
Andy sighs a little. 'Jin, contrary to what last night's situation might have implied, I am not actually going to eat you, you know.'  
  
A part of Junjin wants to laugh at Andy's attempt at lightening the mood, but the other part is cringing and blushing madly at all the memories awakened by Andy's unwittingly inappropriate joke.  
  
Perhaps the younger man realises that, too, because his face colours and he coughs. 'I swear that sounded a lot better in my head.'  
  
This time Junjin does laugh; an awkward bark of laughter that does nothing to hide his mortification and discomfiture. Andy looks over at him, hesitating. Junjin meets his eyes, still embarrassed and now a little curious.   
  
'Jin, I ...' Taking a breath, Andy places his half-empty coffee mug on the table and then scoots closer to Junjin. The older man palpably tenses at the sudden proximity, and Andy wilts a little as he notices the reaction. He drops his gaze.  
  
'I ... Jin, I'm sorry,' says Andy very softly. 'I'm sorry for last night.'  
  
Junjin's heart nearly skips a beat and he grows still, the words stinging in a way he does not immediately understand. Suddenly, he is afraid to hear the rest of whatever Andy has to say.   
  
'I'm sorry if it came off like ... like I was pushing you into something you were against or didn't want. That was never my intention, and I apologise if I was too forceful or I hurt your feelings. Please forgive me.'  
  
Junjin waits with baited breath for the rest, but it does not come. Andy is watching him silently, waiting for his response.   
  
He means to tell Andy to forget it, to let it go, but what comes out instead is, 'That's it?'  
  
Andy frowns, surprised. 'What do you mean?'  
  
Giving himself a mental slap, Junjin looks away. What did he expect, really? That Andy will take back his words? Take back the kisses that should have never happened?  
  
It then strikes him that, yes, that is exactly what he had expected. From the moment Andy apologised, Junjin has unconsciously been waiting for Andy to say last night was a complete mistake; that he has never felt for Junjin anything beyond brotherly friendship, and the kisses were nothing but bad judgment on Andy's part.   
  
He has been hoping for - and dreading - those words. Hoping, because then it might set his world upright once more. Dreading, because in the darkest corner of his heart, no matter how deep he has buried them, his sinful desires are still burning, still  _wanting_.  
  
Comprehension dawns on Andy's face and his frown deepens. 'Yes, Jin, that's it. That's all I'm apologising for.'  
  
'Andy,' Junjin begins hesitantly, but the younger man holds up a hand.  
  
'I'm not apologising for what I said, because I told you what I was really thinking. I'm sorry for confusing you and for being too forceful, but I'm not sorry for speaking the truth ... whether or not you find it hard to believe.  
  
'And ... I won't apologise for kissing you, either. Not when it was with your consent.'  
  
Junjin gawks at him, but Andy's eyes are like steel. 'You never pushed me away. You kissed me back. Every time.'  
  
There is just nothing in this world he can say to that because it is true. He kind of hates himself, how he has set himself up for that.  
  
'Also ... I did it because I wanted to. I'm not sorry for that. Regardless of whether you believe my sincerity or not.'  
  
They remain silent for several seconds, staring at each other, Andy determined and Junjin at a loss. The tension between them is broken by Eric and Dongwan exiting the bathroom, both still luckily alive and unharmed (and not impregnated, hopefully). The latter calls out to Junjin that he can go in now and Junjin is glad for the excuse to leave.  
  
However, Andy gets up and stops him with a hand on his arm. In a low voice that Junjin has to lean in to hear over the sound of Eric knocking on Hyesung's bedroom door, Andy murmurs, 'I meant what I said, though. When I am one hundred percent sure, I will tell you what I want. But on that day, I want you to do the same and tell me what  _you_  really want.'  
  
Wordlessly, Junjin tries to move away, but Andy pulls him close. 'And I mean, what you truly want, Choongjae. Without hiding behind your fears and convoluted boundaries, just face the truth of what you want. It's not that hard.'  
  
Junjin looks down at Andy, mouth set in a grim line. 'Perhaps for you, it isn't.'  
  
'Maybe that's because you view all this as a mistake and I don't.'  
  
'And if it is?'  
  
Andy shakes his head. 'Only if you make it one...'  
  
At that moment, Dongwan passes them on the way to the kitchen and raises his eyebrows. 'Well, look at you two! You seem much better.'  
  
Junjin almost groans out loud, blushing. Andy is reddening as well and Junjin can almost see the effort he is exerting to not show his irritation at Dongwan. Their blackhole hyung all day, every day.  
  
The happy comment is overheard by Minwoo, who is leaving the kitchen. He looks up from his coffee and packet of chocolate biscuits, breaking into a cheery grin. 'Nice. Our maknaes have kissed and made up, have they?'  
  
Oh, can it possibly get any worse, Junjin wonders.  
  
Andy looks directly at him, his hand sliding down Junjin's arm to grasp his fingers, and deadpans, 'Oh yes, we have.'  
  
He is sorry for wondering.   
  
Minwoo and Dongwan totally crack up at Junjin's face. Oh, but they have no idea.   
  
Junjin gives a strangled laugh that sounds more like he is drowning, and stares at Andy in disbelief. The younger man, however, gives his fingers a gentle squeeze and smiles at him, a true friendly smile. The realisation that Andy is not poking fun at him calms him down slightly, but he also wonders how Andy can act so nonchalantly about, well,  _this_. (Though, in retrospect, Junjin better learn to do so himself, lest the hyungs catch on to what is truly happening.)  
  
The older ones finally move on, clapping their dongsaengs on the back and chortling how there is nothing in the world that cannot be resolved with either a punch or a kiss.   
  
Andy chuckles a little after they leave. 'They'll never grow up, will they?'  
  
Junjin cannot hide the small amused smile that creeps onto his lips. 'It's been more than fifteen years. I don't think true adulthood is in the fates for them.'  
  
Andy laughs out loud at that, his eyes gleaming with mirth and affection. Suddenly, Junjin is a little too aware of Andy still holding onto his hand.  
  
'Yeah, anyway ... should go brush my teeth now.'  
  
With a small nod, Andy lets go of him. Junjin bites his lip as he turns away. His palm feels too cold now, suddenly divested of the warmth of Andy's hand.   
  
Right before he shuts the door, Andy speaks, not looking at him,  
  
'And Choongjae...? I'll be waiting. For your answer.'


End file.
